Wish

I love this picture. It represents what I wish I were doing most of the time - laying on a beach, reading, and sleeping. If places like this really exist then what am I doing here? Do you ever wonder why you live where you do - are you stuck or content? I have seen glimpses of some breathtaking places around the world (through pictures, movies etc..), and they stir desires and questions inside of me. I want to see all those places for myself. I am craving experience. I live where I am partly because I am stuck, partly because I'm content, and partly because it's comfortable and I'm afraid of what might come with change.

"We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them." ~ Titus Livius

Mom's email

My mom sent me this email today and I thought I would share:

DEVELOP THE RIGHT (SELF) ATTITUDE
Here are 10 suggestions to help you develop and maintain a healthy self-image. Read them slowly. Meditate on them regularly.

1. Hate your sin, but never hate yourself.

2. Be quick to repent.

3. When God gives you light, walk in it.

4. Stop saying negative things about yourself. God loves you and it's wrong to hate what He loves. He has great plans for you, so you're in conflict with Him when you speak negatively concerning your future.

5. Never be afraid to admit that you've made a mistake and don't always assume that when things go wrong, it must be 'my fault'.

6. Don't meditate excessively on what you've done, right or wrong; both of these activities keep your mind on you! Center your thoughts on Christ.

7. Take good care of yourself physically. Make the best of what God gave you to work with, but don't be obsessed with your appearance.

8. Never stop learning but don't allow your education to become a pointof pride. God doesn't use you because of what's in your head: He uses you because of what's in your heart.

9. Realize that your talents are a gift, not something you have manufactured yourself; never look down on people who can't do what you do.

10. Don't despise your weaknesses they keep you dependent on God.

Continuum

God knows what He's doing. He always seems to put us in the right place at the right time, with the right people - even if initially we don't think so.
Yesterday started out less than wonderful, but I ended up hanging out with some of the most genuine and awesome people. God knows exactly what I need.
Genuineness is a rare quality that I greatly admire and appreciate in people.

"Few are those that see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts." ~ Albert Einstein

You know, I feel bad saying that yesterday started badly, because actually even the bad was working for the good. Events of yesterday, that I wouldn't have chosen for myself, played a part in how much I appreciated the evening.

Essentially, that is life - good and bad, happy and sad, bitter and sweet.
You have to have both ends of the continuum to appreciate either.

"Every flower must grow through dirt." ~Anonymous

I appreciate Tiff & Monica because of others' actions just as much as theirs. Every time someone lets me down or hurts me in some way, it magnifies Tiffany and Monica's commitment, honesty, love, and great friendship. It sounds funny, but when others disappoint me, it enables me to become a better friend.

Similarly, I have lived a life without God and filled with "pleasures" of this world. Because of that time, I cherish the true happiness, joy, and fulfillment that only comes from a life lived in Christ. It doesn't even compare to what I called "life" before.
What I thought was happiness, was really just a band-aid that prolonged my suffering through temporary distractions from the truth.

C.S. Lewis wrote about how God sees things all at once as opposed to the continuum of life that we see. There are no time constraints or sequence of events. Everything just is. I find this to be one of his most profound statements.
Not only does it speak to predestination etc.. , but it allots me a new perspetive on the Lord.
"I Am" - past, present, future, love, mercy, grace, redeemer, savior, friend, refuge, strength, life, father, rock, cornerstone, beginning, and end

Dr. Seuss

I really miss my baby sister early in the mornings. Growing up we always shared a bathroom and so we would get ready together - do each other's hair make-up etc....

When we were really little I used to read to her a lot. She loved a book called "go dog go" by Dr. Seuss. We read it probably everyday, even if we had read several others, and eventually she would read it to me. I was really impressed and thought she was an early starter, but then one day when she turned too many pages I realized she had just memorized the story and was telling it by looking at pictures. At first I was really disappointed, but then I thought - Wow, that takes a lot more brain power than reading. I mean she had every linking verb and article down.
I have to laugh because it is so typical of her. She does things different, but in the most wonderful way.

My lil sis is awesome! I hate to make sweeping statements, but she is my favorite person in the world. We are like night and day, but it works. She is a social butterfly, hilarious, silly, fashion savvy, and very perceptive of others needs. All her life I've watched her make sacrifices for others, and in the face of great adversity she has turned out wonderful.

Ever since the "go dog go" incident, I enjoy Dr. Seuss so much more. The smallest things can leave the most wonderful impressions.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

Moved

I am easily moved by music.
Even though the lyrics aren't my own words, they often express exactly how I feel.

Bebo Norman was in concert tonight. The humility and admiration in his songs have an affect on me that is somewhere between praising and crying. I have liked his music and style for years now, but I admit I probably like the latter most. You can just see his heart for God in the way he sings and you can hear it in the lyrics. Nothing is as sexy to me as a man totally sold out for the Lord and truly humble in all that God has blessed him with.

When you listen to someone's music, its almost uncomfortable how well you feel like you know them.
I think I have a thing for musicians, but who doesn't?

I did get to meet Bebo tonight; he signed my shirt. And I bought one for my friend Tiffany - who has been in love with him for years and was barely short of depressed when he announced his marriage. I wanted to wait and surprise her with the shirt, but she called and I couldn't hold it in. We are so giddy when we're together. I am in the middle of a church parking lot jumping with excitement as I tell her that I got some boy (who happens to have a gift for music) to sign an ugly green shirt for her - it was great.
I miss Tiffany. She has been my best friend since 6th grade and she has one of the most beautiful hearts I've ever known. Even though I'm the farthest away that I've ever been, we seem to be closer. I've never lived more than a few blocks away from her. Its strange when we talk on the phone - for those who know me, I am not a big phone person - when I get to the point where I would usually say "just come over", I have to say, "hold on and let me switch ears." At least I'm building up phone tolerance.

Tiff loves music. I mean really loves it - always has. I wasn't much into music growing up, or TV, or anything normal for that matter, kind of makes me laugh at how we became friends.

I do love music now, but I still sing the wrong words, make up my own words, and tend to like things that are a little out of the mainstream.
When I was in 6th grade, I'll never forget, we were on the bus going to an away game. We were all singing to some country song and , of course, I didn't know the words. Being the strange one that I am, I was singing anyway and just making up my own words. One of the other girls started laughing and then said something to me about it. I hardly ever sang in public again until I became a Christian. Its really sad that I let something so small ruin what I enjoyed.

Now I sing the wrong words really loud, and most of the time I change them on purpose. Usually nothing too big or noticeable, just a we to I here and there. Especially in praise songs, I feels more personal than we. Then of course there are those times when I just flat out don't know the words or sing the wrong verse too early etc..
This happens a lot at DR. I could read the lyrics off the screen, but I like to close my eyes. Everything is magnified when my eyes are shut and it makes it easier to forget that its not just me and God. Even if I did look, I can't decipher any words that far away without my glasses, and I hardly ever wear them.

Now, I love to sing and I could really care less if they are the artists' words or mine. Funny how things change over time. Why did I care back then anyway?
"Make a joyful noise to the lord"

not okay

.....we are fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
thank you Jesus
even when the pieces are broken and small
dreams shattered and scattered like the wind
thank you even then

.....so I put aside the masquerade
and admitt that I am not okay

~Nichole Nordeman

sometimes a song says it all

Papers

Wow, I am popping out papers like nobody's business today. I feel like someone who is Bipolar II and in a manic stage.
While I haven't had any sleep really (accept the nap in Brown lounge today - man I LOVE that room), I am getting a ton accomplished. When I started grad school I had no idea how many papers I would write. I know I turned in at least twelve last semester. These aren't wimpy little assignments either, as my editor (jim roach) knows. Some of these are rather wordy proposed solutions to economic issues - extremely facinating to me. Not that my solutions are any good, but it helps me think about things in a different way and plus I stay caught up on world events. We also get awesome feedback from our professors who do actually have good and practical solutions. A win/win situation

I am so nerdy though, I actually like looking back and seeing all the work from Fall semester. I would love to have some publications under my belt.
I feel like my writing is improving (lets hope so after that many papers) - and I guess part of the reason I'm in grad school is to improve my professional writing skills so......check. LOL, of course if you read one of my first papers, there was really no where to go but up.
My writing skills are especially important if I do decide to pursue the PhD. Of course, I would hopefully, eventually have a staff to edit research proposals and articles, but getting there would be all me. Plus who wants to ask other people to do something for you that you can't do yourself?

I was noticing some of my professors today and I admitt I already share some of their peculiarities. They often eat alone, sit in corners, abuse coffee and green tea, act awkward in overly social situations and always seem to be reading. Plus, they rarely ever look completely put together - it is that "I just ran out of the house" look. Ya know...where all day you look around trying to remember what you forgot at home. Man, I have been doing that since high school ;o) Thats the one I really relate to them on and the first thing I noticed. Their hair is frazzled, clothes don't match, and they are completely oblivious. There is that one professor who is really hot and always looks like he's going for a business interview, but I figure he's the exception.

Perhaps I should try to do the "word a day" again. I desperately need to widen my vocabulary. Made up southern words just don't peek my professors interest the way I had hoped ;o) I can't remember where I got this from but..........do they make "word a day" toilet paper? I think it was a TV show or something, but man what a funny idea.

Okay, so now I have class until 9:00 PM. A good class and great professor, but I am so drained when I leave. Plus, I really need to follow in Katie Lew's footsteps and get in a workout routine. Way to go Katie - that girl is so dedicated. It feels difficult for me to maintain a normal schedule right now, but maybe she will rub off on me.

I wonder if I will ever be a grown up or have a routine. Do I want that?
There is some comfort in a set schedule, but I don't think it would suit me for very long, unless I got to travel as well.

I do love to wake up early. The earlier I wake up in the morning the better and more prepared I feel about my day. This sounds crazy, but I might try to start getting up at 4:00AM. I slept for a few hours last night and then got up at 4:00 this morning to finish some work - and I felt great!
Weird.

ROFL....sometimes all you can do is laugh at yourself. Man am I strange and I ramble a lot. I wonder if my family recognizes this and just never told me.
I always wonder what they think - you can ask, but I don't know if family can ever give you a real objective opinion. When you love someone, you tend to have the mentality of - the weirder they are = the more special, unique and wonderful.
I love my family.

Romance

I watched The Notebook last night with Lewis and Jamie Gray. Being the emotional trainwreck that I am, I started crying toward the very beginning of the movie. I read the book a few years ago and so I knew the story, but there is something different when you watch it come alive from another perspective.

I admit, I prefer books because I have more say in what happens, what people look like etc... Plus if it ends unhappily then I create my own ending. I did enjoy this movie almost as much as the book though. A Walk to Remember is another book by Sparks and is one of my personal favorites. I found the movie to be a huge disappointment, but others liked it better so...?...

Modern day romance - as portrayed by Hollywood - affects me too much. I really try not to watch too many girlie love stories because I feel they are just setting me up for disappointment. A love that is of this world, no matter how great, could never "take me away from everything", a common notion in movies. After watching so called "chick flicks", I feel sad or depressed by thoughts of never having what I see on the screen. Not only do I feel bad about myself, that maybe I'm not good enough to have someone love me that much (I'm not what they're looking for), but it also distorts what I'm looking for.

Without movie fever I feel confident of what I want in a relationship/ marriage, but when you throw in a story like The Notebook I get confused somewhat. I get scared that I will settle for less than what the couple on screen has.

I don't want to settle - ever. I would rather be alone, it's only a breath after all.
I equally don't want to lose a man that God has chosen for me (if that's His will) just because I'm pining after a fabricated character in some stupid movie.

The extremely girlie side of me - which let's face it, is about 95% - longs to have even more than what I see in movies. Thinking that when it is the one God has set aside for me I will know, and he will love me like what I've seen in all those movies, but better because God will be the center. Maybe that kind of relationship really does exist. Those ideas and characters had to come from somewhere, right?

The other 5% says "Shelly, wise up!" There isn't anything like that and it isn't important anyway. In movies the characters idolize each other. Suppose they are fabulously happy until they pass away. The point is, they will pass. I don't want the most joy I ever experience to come from my time spent on Earth. There is so much more and it is so much greater.

The spoiled little princess in me : Why can't I have it all? A husband who totally adores me and that I equally adore. Both of us completely submitted to the Lord and each other, working together to edify Him and one another. Why can't my husband build me a house, wait for me forever, desire no one else, and still love and serve the Lord?

I want to be with someone because we know that life with anyone else would be less. Not because we are lonely, or impatient, or whatever other millions of reasons people end up together.

At the same time, I don't want my husband to put me before his relationship with the Lord, nor do I want to lead our relationship.
Honestly, I just want to submitt and be taken care of. I realize this sounds antiquated, but, be honest ladies, we really just all want to be loved, taken care of, protected, and encouraged in God's will.

The truth be told, we can have all of the above with God, we don't need a husband/boyfriend. God loves me, provides for me, protects me and leads me.
It would be nice though, to share the burdens of this life with someone else. To have someone hold me when I'm upset, tell me how much they love me when I really mess up, and someone to encourage me when I feel hopeless. I suppose this can come from friendships, but for all of us that have tasted what it is to really love someone of the opposite sex - it just isn't the same.

Man, see how these movies make me think. Just a bit ago I could have cared less about a human relationship. Now I'm a mess. Life?!?! Romance?!?! Societal imposed expectations?!?!

Weekends

I honestly can't decipher weekends from weekdays much anymore. Except for Sunday - the only day I really rest. Even though the hours are filled with church and DR, its rejuvenating. I used to need something to do every weekend or I felt weird. When did that go away? Whenever it was, all I can say is "Thank God."

I'm at home on a Friday night doing homework. I realize how pitiful this sounds, but what's even worse is that I am happy here. Being alone while most are not is okay with me, and strangely satisfying. The solitude is comforting. I feel as though I'm proving something to myself - something about making it on my own (aside from God). This is especially true during times when I feel the need to improve. Being alone - even if I'm not really working on anything- keeps me from feeling as though I'm running from my problems and chasing after things that will never satisfy.

While I'm glad to be in an emotional and mental state where I enjoy being alone, I'm also scared that its a sign of things to come. What if God is preparing me for a life without a deep human relationship? I admire Paul, but certainly don't want his life. That is horrible to say! I am revealed as the weak sinner that I am. I want to see past the temporary fulfillments this world offers, but it is so hard. Again, it is a struggle between what I know I should feel and what is actually there.

I have been thinking about pursuing a PhD lately, but then there are so many other things that I want to do. Do you ever feel like you have to do everything before you turn 30?
what's funny/sad is that I'm not sure if I want the PhD because I love to learn and want to help others through advancing a certain knowledge base or because I love the worldly fulfillment that professional status brings. I assume its both, but I could obtain the first in many ways.
Occasionally, I feel called to missions, but then I think "You don't have to leave the country to do mission work, plus you wouldn't see your family or friends - it wouldn't be comfortable." Indeed. Would I still have alone time? Hot showers?
more importantly - Would it matter? I know that the answer is NO! But I feel like its yes.

Don't you hate that? When your head and heart fight........
An ongoing struggle.

Earlier in the week I expressed being fed up with this self-reflective part of my personality........this is still the case, but I can't seem to make it go away. As you have probably noticed - I'm embracing it. More rambling to come.

me?

I'm sick and tired of being me. Waking up everyday to the same weaknesses and shortcomings. Watching the same struggles end the same way, over and over again.
I would like to trade lives with someone just for a little while. To wake up tomorrow with a petite figure, or with a quick wit, or a complete dedication to the Lord - to possess artistic talent, a beautiful voice, or have at least some unique and defining feature. To be one of those people that I see never messing up or that seems to have everything together. To wake up as one of those that I admire and respect so much.
I know that nobody is as together as they seem from the outside, but just to trade struggles for a while. What are their thoughts like - as unclear as mine? Perhaps. But maybe they really do have it together; maybe they're happy, content.

I am sick of tension between brothers and sisters in Christ. I am sick of fakeness and masks. I am sick of feeling so disenchanted. I am sick of being guilty of all these things.

Why do I write things like this on my blog instead of clever and funny anecdotes or political opinions? Anecdotes are much more entertaining and let's be honest - no one really wants to read about, or cares about my junk. Everyone has their own junk to worry with, why read about someone else's? Blah blah blah.........Whatever - I don't care. This is me and unfortunately I am stuck as an over analytical, neurotic, and random person. Crazy? Maybe some think so, and maybe they're right. I certainly feel that way sometimes when I am overly stressed or emotional. Women!?!? ;o)

Same old struggles. I don't want to stumble anymore, but I equally don't want to self-reflect anymore. I am sick of looking at me - the ugliness and emptiness.

Life is disheartening lately and I have to ask myself, "What am I doing all this for?"
What really matters in my life? ...............I'm exhausted. I feel that I have no time for real things.
Alas, I don't care and don't want to think about it. I'm sure you don't either.

I concede.

V-Day

Happy Valentine's Day !

Everyone I've talked to today hates this holiday for one reason or another. I, on the other hand, love it. It's not like I always have a boyfriend or anything, I just like that there is a whole day about love and kindness. It reminds me of all the wonderful people God has put in my life. I don't have to be in a relationship to let others know that I care for them. It doesn't have to be Valentine's day either, but it does serve as a nice reminder and excuse to do something overly mushy ;o).

So.....I hope you all enjoy today as much as possible and that somebody who realizes how amazing and special you are does something really mushy for you.
If nobody steps up to the plate for you today then give me a call. If you took the time to read my silly little blog then chances are I can think of at least a dozen reasons why you are special to me.

Soulard

I love Soulard Market!! I had a meeting this morning in Benton Park and so I stopped by the market on my way home. There is a great selection of fresh and cheap produce, plus I feel like I'm supporting local farmers instead of large corporations. Altogether a rewarding experience :O)

Small things like a farmer's market can change the whole character of a neighborhood - isn't that wonderful. Community development and civic engagement are fascinating to me.
I would love to have an island and set up a new country. Ever read Utopia? ;o)
J/K, but I really would like an island.

I would actually prefer to keep it a secret from the rest of the world and retreat there a few times a month. That reminds me of a movie, the name escapes me.......Leonardo Dicaprio (sp?) plays the lead role. These young adults have set up there own government basically, where anyone who finds the island can live there and obey the rules or get killed.
Weird movie, but I kind of liked it.

St. Louis is really growing on me. I hope I don't get sucked in, as so many assured me I would. Oh well, I guess I could really live anywhere and be happy. There are always things to love. I need to find a quiet retreat not to far from my U. City apartment.....some kind of lake or pond. I'm thinking quiet, secluded and beautiful.

Though I am starting to like St. Louis, I have the feeling that I will never really settle anywhere. There are so many places I want to live and things I want to experience. I think I could honestly travel for the rest of my life and never get tired of it. Every state in the U.S., Italy, Nepal, India, Belize, Brazil, Honduras, Japan, Germany, Africa.......just to name a few at the top of the list.

Man. I am ready to go somewhere! I am so excited to see what God has planned for me. Maybe I will live in a tent in South Africa, or maybe I'll stay in a villa in Venice, or Rome or ?!?!?! Everywhere! Anywhere!

Hmmm......apparently I have a stronger desire to travel than I normally acknowledge. Then again, it might just be the day.
That's the problem with emotions - they change all the time.

Today:
emotions - high
heart - peaceful
head- busy
soul- anxious , longing

Givers & Takers

Some people are givers and others are takers. We've all heard this before, but it's an interesting way to categorize people. Of course we shift between giver and taker depending on the relationship, but everyone spends the majority of their time on one side.

So...I'm a taker. This sucks - not something I want to admit about myself.

Why do I write these things on a public blog!? Perhaps as a way to gain humility or maybe because I'm too afraid to say things out loud(then they become real). Whatever the case...here it is.

My schedule is very busy, but I could make time for people if I really wanted to. I have been blessed with wonderful family and friends, yet I neglect them. I called my grandaddy this morning - after he had called me 3 times over the past 2 weeks. He was so excited to hear my voice and all I could think was, "Why are you excited to talk to me? I have put a ton of trivial things ahead of you for weeks now." Still, he was grateful for the phone call and time he did get to spend with me. I wish I were more like my grandaddy. He is a very Godly and humble man - never angry over little things and thankful for even the smallest joys in the midst of pain.

I was a selfish child as well. Always taking from my mother and not trying to understand our situation - whatever it was at the time. We can never escape our past - what we've said to people, ways we've treated them, but we can love them well today. I want to love my family and friends with all that I am. I also want to love God this way; with my whole heart, mind, and soul.

Jesus is a giver. We are all takers. The small gifts of praise and worship that we give back are filthy rags, yet He loves us more. "I want to offer up my life as a sacrifice of praise." -one of my favorite songs

Even my life is nothing because I am only giving back what is already His.

".....Each man's life is but a breath." Psalm 39:5

Friends

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. Hebrews 3:12-13 NIV

"encourage one another daily" - Do I encourage my friends daily? What about my enemies?

Friend is a powerful word. How do we really decide which people will be our friends and which will be mere acquaintances, - or worse yet, enemies? People always group up, its natural. Still sometimes I feel like I'm missing out only hang around a select few. Everyone has something wonderful and unique to bring to the table, its a shame to miss out.

The problem is that you can have too many friends. It's true - at least too many close friends. Friendship requires investment of time, emotions, and love. Giving 100% of yourself to a large number of people can be taxing.

Well, God knows who we need in our life and who we don't. I really should trust God more and analyze less. What do I know anyway.........?!

The point of this rambling is that we should encourage one another. If you hang with me sometimes and I don't do this - please bring it to my attention. All of you are wonderful! Why else would you take time from your busy days to read such non-sense ;o)

Inside Out

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart bings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart." ~Luke 6:45

Last night was the first night of the Bible study I'm trying to finish this semester. The book is called "Inside Out", and I am totally excited to dig in. There are a ton of awesome people in the bible study and I can't wait to get to know them better through fellowship. Now - I have to actually read the book for this to work ;O) - I love to read, but I have so many novels, text, and articles to read for school that this might prove to be quite a challenge.
Man, I am super busy! I wrote out my schedule for Katie Lew yesterday and realized that I really have only about an hour a day to accomplish any personal business (this blog would be included in that). I am either going to have to never attend any social events or lose a few hours of sleep each night. Since I am an early to bed, early to rise kind of gal, I am probably going to opt out of many social gatherings this semester. That stinks.

As if I wasn't introverted and anti-social enough already - now I have to limit the times I actually do feel like hanging out. Whe whe whe, I just can't stop whining. Shame on me. Let me just tack on, that I am blessed to have the opportunity to further my education and I would rather be too busy than lazy. Of course, who doesn't love to just lay around all day in their pajamas every once in a while? I love pajamas!
Wow, I'm more random today than usual. I guess I can't avoid my day any longer - time to work.