Somethin

"Somethin's...... missin........, and I don't know what it is...... No I don't know what it is at all."
"Somethin's...... missin........, and I don't know what it is...... and I don't know how to fix it....."

~John Mayer
Spoken like a true Southerner ;o)

Sometimes I feel sad when I know I should be happy and sometimes I'm happy when I should be sad. These "shoulds" are things that almost anyone would agree on, like someone telling you that you look nice or on the other end, being insulted. Sometimes I just feel out of place, even at home.
Why is this?Also, I've noticed that music evokes more emotion from me than people. Songs help me release whatever it is that I dont want others to see - weaknesses. I love music increasingly more each day. Praise God that I have the ability to hear.

Surely, this is an inner struggle of some sort, a tip to some huge iceberg I haven't dealt with. Geez! Doesn't the water ever clear up?

Natural Rhythm

As I was walking home from work, I noticed a family in front of me consisting of Dad, Mom, possible new female undergrad ("prospective" as referred to in passing), and younger early adolescent sister. I'm unsure what initially drew my attention, but as I watched them I noticed several little subtleties.

Observations: I first noticed that Mom and little sis have the same hitch in their get-up, more emphasis on the left leg when walking. They were both short in stature, curvy (but not large) and the majority of the time they walked just a bit behind Dad and prospective. Prospective is taller and slender like Dad. They walked with long easy steps and their heads straight forward the majority of the time. The whole family participated in a discussion about Wash U, but it was filled with side conversation between Mom & lil sis and prospective with Dad.

I was starting to think about the homework I had to get done this weekend when I saw Dad drop back a bit and grab Mom's hand. Lil sis then moved up in the ranks and began talking with prospective. It was so natural. Obviously, this is normal behavior for them, but I so rarely witness anything like it that I couldn't help but pay attention.

They held hands for much longer than I anticipated, and they weren't being mushy, simply walking and talking. When they did separate, it was so fluent and gentle that hardly a second passed before I noticed Dad and prospective were holding hands. The sight of this was really surprising to me.I guess I hold hands with my dad every now and then, but it never feels as innate as they made it look.

As I weighed this thought, I noticed that Mom & lil sis were walking in rhythm. At first, Left/right, Right/left...Then all of a sudden Left/left, Right/right. This same stepping rhythm was shared between prospective and Dad except the opposite foot led. After a minute or so, they were all four leading with the same foot. The rhythm was so natural that I almost didn't detect it.

For some reason this made me smile and a warmth overtook me. The feeling was strange and completely unexpected. Turning away from the family and toward my apartment, I contemplated the warmth and what it meant. Was I just feeling maternal today or something - thats kind of out of character. No, it was more of an admiration for them and a realization of how close people can be to one another.

I don't know anything about that family, but I can tell they love and support each other. I feel privileged to have watched their interactions for even a short time. I think, buried under past disappointments, I have found a longing inside myself of some day being part of what I witnessed.

*God always speaks to me through the most unexpected means. I love it. Many of you know that I didn't have a relationship with Christ until I was twenty; I cannot express how different the world looks to me now. I draw the most wonderful sense of joy and wisdom from the smallest things. Everything is bigger when God shows it to you.

Hi Ho hi ho

Its off to work I go.

Today is Friday!!!!
I love Fridays. Ya know, I don't really mind working while I'm in school. It does keep me from having a ton of time to spend on assignments, but it also keeps me from being lazy. If I'm not pushed to be organized then ...well you get it.

Hehe, I need to admitt here that even with my extreme need for good time management at this point - I forget to write things down in my planner. It won't help if I don't see it. Anyway.....when will I become a responsible adult?

I asked my mom when she started feeling grown up. Her reply was, "I am still waiting." She is so funny.
;O)

Coincidence

I think not.

When I read this I couldn't help but feel a little strange. Obviously, many people are pondering similar thoughts at the same time, but it is just weird when you encounter one another. The most recent entry he posted is just neat and I LOVE IT (stories of fighting dragons and such stirs up intrigue in me and in that context -good stuff). But the entry written at 2:07 today is what threw me. He is taking a deeper dive into the topic than I was, but still ironic to read someone else's thoughts about something I have been thinking on.

God is working.

Good Morning

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. ~Mark 1:35

Freedom

I am always surprised how God works things together. I wrote this entry a few days ago and just saved it as a draft because I wanted to mull over some more thoughts I had surrounding the topic. Then, this Sunday the sermon totally touched on the same thing. That is so neat. Anyway, now I kind of wish I had just posted it before because (as I should have guessed) I have forgotten what else I wanted to add........

March 19 9:24 AM:
I often hear people remark about how free we are here in the US. I am not in disagreement with the fact that we have choices many other countries do not. However, when I think about what freedom truly is, it has nothing to do with where i live. Freedom comes from inside us. If you have never seen "Broken Down Palace", please rent it. The movie speaks to this very concept. I saw it years ago, but am just recently able to appreciate it's full meaning. I love how our perceptions can recreate things in great new and insightful ways (possible tangent avoided here).

I would argue that a Christian fully submitted to The Lord, in Sudan or any other oppressive or conflictual place, is more free than many people in the US.
While I believe that true freedom only comes from knowing God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - if a deity was removed from the equation there would still be some people that experience inner freedom to a much greater degree than "Christians", and citizens of "free" countries. Citizens in the US are free from many governmental imposed limits, yet they are bound by expectations, cultural norms and the numbness that comes with comfort.
The list of chains could go on and on.
How free do you really feel? How free are you in actuality? I want to be as free as I can while trapped in what I know as myself and this life.

So, I have been thinking about what keeps me in bondage and it is too unnerving to share here in any detail. Instead, here are some side thoughts: I have heard it said that we are our worst enemy; I believe this is only partially true. My true enemy is satan (1Peter 5:8), but he uses me against myself and others. In many ways, I am a pawn in the most important battle, while God longs for me to be a key player (Eph. 6:12-14). Don't you wish you could get a look at the master plan for your life? On second thought, I don't think I could handle it.
I don't claim to be good at chess or know any decent strategies. I do know, however, that if you want to be good, you must think far ahead of your opponent. Thank God that he is prepared and sees things that I am completely blind to at this point. It will all be revealed to me in time.

Lord, release me from the strongholds in my life and fill me with all that I need to be truly free.
I know God that You will answer me and tell me great and unsearchable things I do not know (Jer. 33:3)

Mars Hill

Okay, so I went to this church while I was in Seattle. It was great! Honestly, it almost made me want to move there. They have an amazing sense of community and a ton of diversity. They seem loving, accepting, but true to God's word. Anyway...if you are single I highly recommend listening to the sermon on Genesis 24. Its toward the bottom right of the home page under audio. The preacher also writes a column in the Seattle Times (how neat), this is a much bigger deal than it sounds considering that Seattle and surrounding areas are among the most "unchurched" in the U.S.

So, in your spare time (as if any of us have any) really listen - you won't regret it.

Oh yeah!

I am completely overwhelmed with work and yet on top of things. That's right!!!
I love it when I have an obscene amount of work to do and I stay organized and focused and get it done.

I'm not cutting corners either, simply working my putooty off ;o)

Hard work feels great. I love to be super busy and then look back at what I've accomplished. Only negative is that I don't have time for anything but school and work if I want to do it right - oh well. A small sacrifice for my future. I don't know what I was thinking by trying to have a social life anyway - it's not my thing.

No wonder the Bible talks about hard work and toil so much. It's a wonderful thing.

* I wish they had a cursive font to choose from on blogger - some things just need to be in script ;o)

Addition: The highlight of this week happened Friday around 3:00. I got a huge research proposal (40% of course grade) back from a very important professor - dare I say the most important professor considering my career path. I am ecstatic to report that I received a 40/40 with some encouraging comments about my ideas and writing abilities. Who would have thunk it? Certainly not me. In fact, I was only hoping for a 30/40. I am so happy and thankful for this small part of my graduate school experience and just had to share before I burst with excitement.

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Loved it

Seattle was great! I didn't want to come back. They have everything from mountains to oceans to great museums to tons of other neat "city stuff".
My time was filled with wonderful and relaxing ventures, and good friends.
It was surprisingly hard to return. Not just because work and school are here, but because I had to leave a very close friend.
I have decided that I've reached a point in my life where I'm unsure if I will ever live in the same area as my best friends again. They are all over the US, which is great because they have the courage to follow their dreams, but sad because we are not as much a part of each other's lives as we would like.

Anyway...Seattle was a lot of fun and I have officially added it to the list of places that I would like to live for a while. The west coast has a different feel to it and I like whatever it is.

Time for a trip

Tiffany,Monic,Me - Seattle here I come :O)

Coping

Unpleasant things happen all the time. That's part of life and we all adjust differently. Everyone copes, even if we don't recognize it. Even choosing not to deal with something is a coping mechanism.

Depending on the cause of discomfort, I usually choose crying, writing, exercise, and complete solitude. This wasn't always the case, but I find it to be more and more true as I grow older. Most often, I just feel like other ways of dealing call for too much energy and then don't really make a much bigger difference.
I'm especially opposed to confrontation, generally speaking. While I don't wish to revert back to the days in which I confronted everything head on, I do wish that I didn't shy away so fast. It sometimes hinders issues from complete resolution. Sadly, I know this and often simply don't care. I find it uncomfortably easy to let go of situations and relationships.

While this helps me cope, it also makes me feel hard hearted. The question is - Do the benefits outweigh the costs?
Although I wish my answer was "no", I am much more quick to nod in agreement. De spite how telling this is of my issues and how saddening it should be - I am unmoved.

Here

And here I sit, overwhelmed, without a way
A million thoughts, rearranged still make no sense
Feeble attempts for escape from the sufferings of today
Back in place is put an impermeable defense

No use for windows in these walls
Restored are false peace, comfort, protection
In the solitude nothing is seen of falls
Lessened is the inevitable rejection

Just for a little while, to be free
The weight of everyday fear
Remove all of it from me
Alas, without a way, I am here

Drafty Windows

I have become what St. Louisans, I think, refer to as a "Hoosier." Last night I put foil over the bottom half of my bedroom windows to help insulate and block the ever present breeze of cold air flowing around my head every night.

I wanted to get the plastic window treatment that you shrink to fit with a hair dryer, but I found it to be rather pricey and so I opted for what I already had -foil. Hey, it works and that's all that matters to me at this point. Well, it kind of works.

Unfortunately, I am a day late of preventing myself from sickness. The nightly draft has already taken its toll on my body (cough, cough, sniff). My head feels detached from my body, which won't stop aching.
Man, I don't want to go to work tomorrow. The cool thing about my job is also the bad thing at times like this. Working off deadlines means setting your own hours, working from home, and flexibility; it also means that I have to work all day tomorrow to meet my Friday deadline - whether I'm sick or not.

All I want to do is Sleep.................