Drive
Thursday 9/15/05 around 9AM:
Swirling in my chair, back and forth to the beat of Rascal Flats,” Where you are”, thinking about people miles away and my future that might only add more distance. Uncertainty is consuming me. How did I get here?
I could submit to the idea that all aspects of my life are part of a bigger plan driven by the Holy Spirit and move on. That sounds like the right answer…….. but too easy. Even though my mind cues an assumingly correct or safe response, there is something inside me that is forever unsure. Unsure of everything; not just where I am, but who I am, why, and how.
C.S. Lewis in “A Grief Observed” wrote of faith as a house made of cards that seems well structured until it’s unexpectedly shaken, at which point it falls to pieces. The rarely acknowledged holes of uncertainty and doubt eventually destroy our façade.
He continues that we eventually pick up the pieces and start over; assuming once again that what we have built is strong. However we can never really know until another storm. Our faith is nothing more than imagination until it is tried.
I am mostly in agreement with his theory- especially on days such as this. One critique or addition to his thought (dare I make one) is that our attempts to rebuild, even what turn out to be the frailest structures, are of vital importance.
In the midst of all my questioning and confusion, at my core there is a certainty. Not of answers to my questions, but something much bigger that I can’t articulate. It eliminates the questions and reminds me to let go.
Often, too often, the thoughts I entertain are trivial and meaningless. Why do I waste so many precious moments thinking about the other ones?
Now playing: “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”
Certainly, I am not always in tune to the correct inner voice and therefore cannot honestly assume that every choice along my path has landed me where I “should be.” Alas, “should” in itself assumes a “right” that is a constraint imposed by the limits of human understanding. The fact is that I am where I am and who I am right now in this moment. How and why cannot change what is. The present moment and our relation to it is all we have.
Swirling in my chair, back and forth to the beat of Rascal Flats,” Where you are”, thinking about people miles away and my future that might only add more distance. Uncertainty is consuming me. How did I get here?
I could submit to the idea that all aspects of my life are part of a bigger plan driven by the Holy Spirit and move on. That sounds like the right answer…….. but too easy. Even though my mind cues an assumingly correct or safe response, there is something inside me that is forever unsure. Unsure of everything; not just where I am, but who I am, why, and how.
C.S. Lewis in “A Grief Observed” wrote of faith as a house made of cards that seems well structured until it’s unexpectedly shaken, at which point it falls to pieces. The rarely acknowledged holes of uncertainty and doubt eventually destroy our façade.
He continues that we eventually pick up the pieces and start over; assuming once again that what we have built is strong. However we can never really know until another storm. Our faith is nothing more than imagination until it is tried.
I am mostly in agreement with his theory- especially on days such as this. One critique or addition to his thought (dare I make one) is that our attempts to rebuild, even what turn out to be the frailest structures, are of vital importance.
In the midst of all my questioning and confusion, at my core there is a certainty. Not of answers to my questions, but something much bigger that I can’t articulate. It eliminates the questions and reminds me to let go.
Often, too often, the thoughts I entertain are trivial and meaningless. Why do I waste so many precious moments thinking about the other ones?
Now playing: “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”
Certainly, I am not always in tune to the correct inner voice and therefore cannot honestly assume that every choice along my path has landed me where I “should be.” Alas, “should” in itself assumes a “right” that is a constraint imposed by the limits of human understanding. The fact is that I am where I am and who I am right now in this moment. How and why cannot change what is. The present moment and our relation to it is all we have.
posted by SBean at 6:42 PM
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