Time Laps

It's been a while ~ Staind

There is much to be written, but little time or motivation to write.
Once my emotions settle and thoughts clear, I will return.

All that is dancing through my mind supresses the true words of my heart.
Thus, I am abstaining in the face of self censorship.

Connections

So, it's strange to me how many things in life are connected.
Yesterday in class we discussed how people define themselves through relationships. This is the precise point that I was inarticulately trying to make in my most recent blog.
A large part of myself is defined by my relationships with close friends and family. When I'm not around them, I forget certain aspects of myself. Maybe it sounds lame, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Well, because I'm an obnoxious over-thinker, I have been analyzing who I really am and the weight these relationships play. Should I always be one thing or another, despite relationships, etc...???
Initial Conclusion: Who cares?!

Then............. I had an epiphany that who I truly am is defined by one primary relationship.
I am me because of my relationship with Christ. It is so obvious and yet I had never thought about it this way.

Years ago I was an almost completely different person. The relationships I have with my friends and family in Alabama help me stay grounded because they remember and remind me of what they witnessed when God was transforming my heart. Their looks and words reflect a profound time of change in my life; the struggles, joys, and resolutions.

Everything is connected; some strong connections and some weak, but all with a perfect purpose. I am thankful.

Sweet Home

Alabama
Okay, I am back from a week in AL and quite homesick. Its weird because the majority of my life there was spent dreaming about moving to bigger and more exciting places. Don't ask how I ended up in St. Louis ;o)

It isn't the state I miss, it's my family and friends. I never noticed is before, but I draw a considerable amount of my groundings from them. They encourage and love me through memories (positive & negative), without even knowing it. Just one look from my friend Tiffany can change my entire thought pattern. Maybe it sounds funny, but a look is sometimes all it takes to make me notice how empty and removed from myself certain thinking is. Because of moments like that, I am more myself when I'm at home than I might ever be somewhere else.
It's just that they remind me of why I am who I am, and where I'm headed.
At home, I have very little ( if any ) inhibitions. I think watching someone grow into the person that they are gives you more insight, and often that insight manifest itself as compassion, patience, and understanding.

I'm convinced this is why so many people are drawn back into relationships with people they grew up around. There is an instant comfort on some level that is hard to duplicate.

Here in St. Louis, I have been blessed with several wonderful friendships that I would never trade. I hope that what I've been discussing doesn't discount their meaning to me. My purpose is simply to note the difference in myself, and perhaps others, when we are in a place and around people that have been present for the majority of our lives.

Surely, there is someone or a certain place that just by closing your eyes and imagining them you are taken back into a deeper part of your character. There are several of these images for me and each one can give me strength, encouragement, or a gut check, depending on the situation.

I guess my thought is simply this: It's nice to have people there to remind you of your path when you forget.

Apples to Apples

Retreat:
Fuzzy
Explosive
Juicy
Soft
Fabulous
Exhausting

Okay, these adjectives may seem strange to all of those who were not present for the A 2 A game Sat. night/ Sun. morning. However, they do accurately describe the weekend as I will explain.
When I think back to this retreat I will undoubtedly get a fuzzy feeling about the fellowship time I spent with some amazing people and the undeniable presence of God displayed in the landscape. Waking up and stepping outside to wide open green fields, dirt roads, and all of nature's wonderful sounds in the morning; then the star filled sky and cool (er..cold) breeze at night. Really taking in nature gives me a sense of Heaven and draws me close to the Lord without even thinking about it.

The teachings and worship time were explosive. While it was a lot of information to digest in a short time, it was very insightful and a good testament to how brothers and sisters in Christ can have different views and not let it get in the way of God's work. I admire Jeff and Lance's ability to respect each other's viewpoints and communicate that in the body of Christ we are bound by love not agreements on every single issue.

Okay, juicy may sound misleading, but its not. The whole weekend truly was juicy. The food, the fun, the time with God, and the time with each other. Every moment seemed to overflow and seep into another. Each moment was sweet and rich with joy.

Though I was running on empty by Sunday morning when we pulled out of Logan Valley, I acknowledge that God was gentle with us this weekend. His loving embrace is so soft and yet strong. He teaches me through mercy and kindness of others just as much as He teaches me through recognition of my own actions. Our Father held us close together this weekend without any rifts among brothers and sisters. Maybe some of you think that is a given on a church retreat, but I can attest that it is not. When people are out of their comfort zone, tired, and stuck together in one room - things can get ugly.

Overall the weekend was a fabulous experience. I'm so thankful that I was able to go. I love being in a place where no cell phones work. There is something refreshing about never being interrupted by the annoying sounds of ring tones and distracting side conversations. As soon as my service bars ran out I turned the phone off and rejoiced in my head. I admit that I love the city, but being away from all that it entails is something I crave more often as I get older. Just recently I am learning to be still and silent before the Lord.

Now, back in my apartment in U.city, I am sitting in my pajamas with Kleenex laying all over the place. I got sent home from work and am sick with what I think is the flu. My body is utterly exhausted from 60 degree slip 'n sliding and very little sleep. I also managed to attack my immune system with some very tasty yet grease laden food. I have to say, even if I truly do have the flu - it was worth it.