Ah

I spent last night and most of today with two good friends, Lewis and Gray. We had a "slumber party" last night and then shopped the majority of today. Shopping is so exhausting and it's not hard for me to remember why I usually opt out. It was due for me to go though - I desperately needed some jeans, which I got ;o). It was such a fun girl time....we should really do it more often. The best part was that we spent time together in prayer and it just felt like God was lifting us up the whole time. This provided some eye openings for me...one was about a struggle that I am just now owning up to, the other was a realization of freedom related to that struggle. Good friends with good and honest advice are hard to find - I'm lucky.
Speaking of great people...Roach cooked dinner for me and Lew tonight. It was yummy and his company is always inspiring. We all share a love for books and music so there was plenty to keep us chatting. When him and Lew get together they are hilarious..they feed off each other or something. I can tell they grew up around one another.
It's funny to me how we pick and choose little things (characteristics, habits, quirks) from different people and store them away as what we're looking for in "the one." The whole concept of "the one" has become a blur to me. Perhaps I have let past experiences effect me more than I thought.........or maybe I am just afraid of setting myself up for disappointment. Whatever the case, this idea of the one is not a subject that I wish to contemplate anytime soon. This lack of desire to overthink and analyze the notion may very well be God helping me out and telling me to wait on him. Recently, I have very little desire to consider men or dating or many other things that usually pass through my mind at least once a day - I wonder what God is doing......I love it when he is working on me. There is so much more work to be done, but thankfully, he doesn't give up. Dominating my thoughts lately has been working on correcting my flaws and growing in my relationship with the Lord.....they go hand in hand.
Will I ever be even a small piece of what God can make me?
Father, help me surrender everything to you. For you know me better than I know myself and you desire for me to be happy. God, I love you so much, but it is still less than what it should be. Help me fall in complete love and awe of you. - Amen

Blue

Yesterday was the first holiday I've ever spent away from my family. It was strange, but not as sad as I thought it would be. This is mostly thanks to my good friend Lewis. She invited me to spend the holiday with her and her family, which was wonderful. Good food, great people, and a warm environment - thanks!
After I left her house I went to hang out with some international students from Wash U. - they cooked lamb for the holiday. They had a spread of German, Italian, Chinese, and Turkish foods. All of it was good, but definitely not what I'm used to. After we ate we all sat around and watched a movie (very untraditional thing for me to do on a holiday).
Once I went home and got ready for bed the loneliness hit. See, most of my relatives are night owls so the holiday nights usually consist of all my family hanging out and talking while trying to keep me up with guilt trips etc... (I have always gone to bed before the rest of my family and I usually get up first too. I get this from my biological father, who wakes-up every morning at 4:30). I never thought I would say it, but I really missed the guilt trips last night, they're meant in a really sweet way. I miss my family. They are crazy and unconventional and I love that! I never really appreciated some of the quirks in my family until I moved away for college. They are awesome. My family really knows how to love each other and I am so thankful for that. I can't wait to see them for Christmas. It was weird not to see Tiffany or Monica either; we usually drop by each other's family gatherings at some point during the holidays. They are amazing friends and I love them just as much as my family. I am so blessed!! To feel blessed and sad at the same time doesn't seem right, but that is where I am today.
I guess now I need to work on school stuff - blah.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! :o)

There are so many things to be thankful for....here are a few that are on the top:
God's love
My family
Call from my grandaddy this morning
Opportunity to further my education
Friends (new and old)
DR
A country with freedom of religion
Inspiring books and poetry
An invitation to a friend's house for the holiday
Toes
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. ~ Psalm 100:4
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~Philippians 4:6
God - thank you.

Wisdom

Wisdom is completely different than intelligence, but I would say that the more wisdom you gain the smarter you become. Overall, there is really no comparison though.
"Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all that you have, get understanding." ~Pr. 4:7
The best part is that you don't have to pay high tuition to attain wisdom - simply ask God and he will give it freely. This is amazing to me and I can't understand why I don't pray about this more. I can never have enough wisdom.
"For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." ~ Pr. 2:6

A week or so ago I blogged about knocking and God answering....how true.
He has since then answered my prayers in the most amazing ways that I never expected. Looking back over the past month, I can see the times when I was down and not doing so well were the times when I was not focusing on God and petitioning him for the right things. He always knows what is right and I need to trust him more. I tend to get "stressed out" over little things in my life even though I know it is a waste of emotions. God commands me not to worry and to trust in him because he is sufficient and can provide all my needs. When I give things to God, everything turns out as it should.
I don't want to be one of those people that is always stressed out or worried about something. Instead I want to be steadfast and secure in God, no matter what the situation is. That is one way we can be set apart as a light - to be confident and not worry when everyone else is, because we know that God is in control.
I love God. He is merciful and patient with me.

Intelligence

What makes someone intelligent?
Just think about it and get back to me.

Which theory?
1)Intelligence is subject to individual perception
2)There is a concrete line of separation determined by IQ test

Criticisms:
1)Perception can be seriously skewed by one's own intellectual abilities
2)The line created by IQ test are incorrect because they don't measure all seven kinds of intelligence, some people don't take test well, and they are culturally biased

* There are several theories in between these that I'm sure most of us ascribe to but for time sake, these are polarized views. Please offer alternative opinions.

Thought: There is a difference between being intelligent and being smart. Intelligence measure's how much you know or your ability to learn new information. How smart you are can be measured by the way you live, choices you make, reasoning skills etc.. (this is a personal opinion that I would also like feedback on)

Example: Someone could have an IQ 140 (very intelligent if we ascribe to theory 2) but lack the common sense to look both ways before crossing the road and therefore get run over.
Less Harsh: Say the same person works at NASA and is highly skilled in his/her professional abilities but lacks all interpersonal skills and therefore cannot maintain a healthy relationship --- OR, he/she is not smart enough to realize that the choices they make effect a whole nation and therefore make rash decisions or take chances on building materials that could kill billions of people with a 48% rate of failure (bad example: could be attributed to group dynamics, pressure etc..) ..........You get the picture.

Is he/she intelligent and stupid? or weird? or what??
Assuming that intelligence and smartness (haha) are two separate measures: which is more important? Do our opinions really matter, or are they influenced by our own brain structure and functioning?

UH! This is exhausting..why am I dragging you through my strange thought patterns? Well you chose to read it so you can certainly choose not to participate (don't do that though) ... ;o)
Later...

Refreshed

Ah, today is a new day. I am not pushing myself today. I overslept and am not going to the gym. This feels strangely refreshing. Usually I am quite upset with myself over this behavior. Perhaps it was the sickness of the weekend that I am pawning all of this off on. Whatever the case, I am enjoying the slower pace of my morning. Maybe I will start working out at night from now on; it is VERY cold here in the morning. Sometimes when I get to the gym I have to weight train first just because my muscles are so cold.
I have so much school work to complete today. That's okay though, for some reason I'm not at all stressed. I have peace today. God answers prayer. I am still praying about having increased courage, boldness, wisdom, and self-discipline, but these are ongoing. It is so neat that I can ask God for something and he will just give it to me. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not asking for cars or other things that I don't think will help me grow closer to him in some way. Why do I feel the need to clarify this point? Just knowing that God can do all things and that he works everything for the good is enough. Though, it is good to remember that sometimes the answer I get is not what I expected; it is rather what I need.
Today is going to be great!

Some people

Some people just make my heart smile.

Running

I feel gross. I am not feeling well physically or emotionally.
It has been a little while since I blogged. Why you ask, well I haven't really been able to collect my thoughts. Even now I am unsure what is on my mind. This is strange for me and I am not sure what's wrong. My theory is that I am thinking of entirely too many things at once. "Give it to God"--- what my heart is saying right this very moment. Alas, I will try ....
I have had a full but relatively normal week and weekend. I didn't do too much, but then again it feels like I always do too much when I look at my messy room and the number of assignments due this week which I haven't even started. I think I need to quit making plans. Its just that when the weekend rolls around there are so many appealing options. Everyone wants to go have "fun."
Fun = ?
Lately, I am thinking that I should stay in for a few weeks and try to get some kind of order reinstated. It is so nice to be prepared. This is often underrated for "experiences" or "memories". Both of which are equally important and wonderful, but they are so much better for me when my foundations are strong.
God has been asking for more of my time for a while now and I am having difficulty handing it over. This is so stupid and it is getting me into messes. I feel like I am not myself lately.
" Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break.
For some steady feet or sturdy ground..... a road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run...." ~ Nicole Nordeman
what's really weird is that I know the only thing that will make me feel better and straighten things out is the one thing I'm avoiding. God.
Sunday school really spoke to me this morning. (God is in everything. He loves me and provides all that I need even when I am running in the opposite direction. ) He really speaks to me through music. This weekend a friend and I were discussing music and I mentioned that I mostly just listen to Christian. He gave me the strangest look and then just changed the subject. That is the reaction I get a lot especially when people ride with me on trips. I remember when I used to feel that way. Now listening to whatever is on the radio seems like a waste of time to me.
I am picky about what I listen to. Maybe this is because I am aware of how much music can affect me. Even sometimes when I can't pray, don't know what to say or how I feel (pretty often lately) I can just turn on certain songs and I feel closer to God and I know he understands. I remember that God knows my heart fully and that he loves me anyway.
To be loved by God. Indescribable.
I am picky in general with my time, what I look at,listen to, who I am around. Life is just so brief that I don't want to waste anything. How ashamed would I be to arrive at heaven knowing that I spent 150000 hours of my life listening to songs about sex, drugs, lust, and others of the sort and that I only showed the love of God to 15 people. Already I hang my head in disgust of past decisions. Thankfully Jesus has taken those sins and tossed them into the bottom of the ocean. They are as far away as the East is from the West. Praise God.
I'm sure some people would read this and say, "Weirdo, all she wants to do is be alone all the time and not experience anything." This is a common misperception I think. I am more alone when I am hanging out with twenty friends and acquaintances but haven't spent enough time with The Lord than I am at 4:00 AM sitting in my apartment reading the Bible. No matter how many people are around, i feel completely alone without God. He is always there, but like with any relationship, I feel closer to him when I am actively investing my time into the relationship and trying to know Him more.
I am going to DR tonight but I must confess I have mixed feelings. I am going because I feel like it is what God wants me to do. Obedience. I don't feel like being around a lot of people. I'm just not in the mood I guess. However, from past experiences I know that God has a purpose and that going will have a better outcome than doing it my way.
God, I love you. Thank you for being more than enough.

Knock

Do you ever go through those times when you feel like God isn't speaking to you? Maybe its just me, but lately I haven't felt centered around God. I am still doing my quiet time every morning but The Word doesn't seem to be sinking in. Perhaps it is the fact that I'm not in the more direct books of the Bible; the Old testament requires more study for me. I would prefer to read Romans, James, and Corinthians everyday, but I know that I need to read the entire Word.
Is it that I am reading too much and not praying enough? Or am I reading too little and praying too much? Actually, I am doing too little of both.
I can't believe I am actually sitting here writing this when the answer is so obvious. I need to spend more time with God overall. In fact, while I have been doing my quiet time every morning, there are some days when it only last half an hour. Half an hour to get me through a whole day!? Starting today: more quiet time
I am going to meet Amanda from Green Tree this morning for coffee to discuss my spiritual gifts. I am totally excited. I just finished the class a few weeks ago and we are going to discuss how God can use me in the church. The class was interesting, but I have to confess that I think praying about my place in the church would be just as effective, if not more so, in finding my gifts.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." ~Mt. 7:7-8
I think this is going to be an interesting day for me.

Comparisons

The message at DR last night really spoke to my heart. Especially the part about comparisons. I compare myself to others far too often. Maybe this is a girl thing but my guess is that it transcends gender. At least twice a day I wish that I looked or acted differently, more secure, thin, pretty, and smart. This is not healthy for me. By doing it I am putting too much worth in worldly things. My ultimate goal is to be what God wants me to be and looking at others is not the way to figure that out. Instead I should be thankful for all the gifts God has given me (like toes) ;o) ....and realize that he designed me just the way I am for a reason.
Plan: Whenever I want to compare myself to someone, instead I will stop and thank God for my blessings and ask that he show me how I can center them around his will for my life.
There is so much that I could write about today, but I feel like I should keep it to myself for now. Let me just say that God is amazing and has put some wonderful people in my life. I am so thankful for the friends and support that he provides.
"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but know what to do with it." ~R.W. Emerson

Little Things

"Little things are what make life happy" ~ magnet on my fridge
This is a common thought for me and will probably be revisited many times.
The little things matter! A comment someone makes, a look, a smile, a touch, a merciful reaction, and tons of other little things that make such a big difference. These are what living and loving are made of. Everyday there are tons of things (little things) that effect the way I feel and act. Sometimes they come from places I would never expect and those are the best. I would like to share with you all the things I experienced today that attributed to my contentness, but I don't have near enough time and I would surely leave something important out. So instead, I will hit some high lights.
- a nap in a beautiful room on campus that has a grand piano right next to a cushioned bench
- a little boy jumping out from behind a corner and yelling "haya hi" as I walked down the hall at school
- a warm smile of understanding when I really needed it
- a phone call from a good friend that ended in prayer
- hearing my sisters voice and encouraging words
Thought: Do I add positive little things to other peoples' lives? The Bible talks about how you overflow with whatever is in your heart. "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45 Matthew 12:34). What is in my heart?
Making sure I am spiritually ready for each day and that my heart is filled with God's wisdom, mercy, grace, love, and understanding, is the best way to add to other people's lives.
I am so thankful for all those little things that God gives me and for the feelings of which they remind me. It is like in those small moments I experience a piece of what God has planned and I feel completely content.
If you are reading this then you are probably one of the people that God has used to enrich my life through the small things that you've done and do - thank you!

Character

Watch your thoughts, they become words
Watch your words, they become actions
Watch your actions, they become habits
Watch your habits, they become character
Watch your character, it molds your life
~uknown to me

Character is what you do when no one is looking ~Uknown to me

This is true, but I also think that it is what we do in front of others. Character is who we are all the time.
You know how sometimes you meet someone and you are just drawn to them? Or sometimes you just kind of know that you don't want to hang around them much. Maybe that is because you sense their character.
This makes me think about God. If you are always thinking about God, talking about God, doing Godly things etc... then one might say you are of Godly character. Now, what if you always think about God but never speak of him; or talk about him but never back it up with action. What message does that send?
And what of people with good character but not Godly character. Would I rather be around someone of "good character" or even "poor character" for that matter, rather than someone who's inconsistent. Having said that and looking at myself, I have to ask, are any of us consistent? My instinct is telling me that it is much easier to be consistently bad than good. I am not always consistent. I get stuck in thoughts. This is not very far down on the list and admitting it is quite discouraging. This is not always the case, but it certainly happens to me a lot. i start with a thought and then never speak of it, or I speak of it only to a close few. Other times, I will just skip the speaking step and go to action. Then of course their are the things I think and speak of but never put into practice, or only practice part of the time. Why is this? Anyway, as Precho would say...I'm blurry. (thats for you Lew ;o)
Goal: Good, consistent, Godly character.

Why is it that as soon as you make a commitment to yourself it is tested. Is it that you don't notice things until that time or do they really just start appearing. I am in a dilemma. Choices!?! What is the right choice? There are so many gray areas in certain situations. Prayer of course is the answer but I have been slacking, in part because I am afraid of the answer. Why does my heart desire things that are not clear to me?

God, I pray that you will fill my heart with your desire and will for my life. Give me strength to accept your will fully, because I know that it is better than anything I could choose for myself. You love me God and want to give me the desires of my heart. Help me to understand these desires and to center them around you.
Amen
If you read this today please pray that I will allow God to take control of a certain situation that I'm facing and use it for the good of his kingdom. Also, pray for the salvation of a new friend of mine that I will not name at this time. Thanks!
Until....

Vote!

Okay, I should have posted this earlier, but all the same I hope you voted today. We are so privileged to have a voice!
I love election days. I'm sure you are all checking the polls frequently, as am I. What do you think of the whole polling idea though. I personally think they can negatively affect the election process. First, they are inaccurate because they don't poll cell phone users(most young adults use their cell as a primary phone as I do), or expatriates. Second, they create a self-fulfilling prophecy for some people. The whole idea that they see one person way ahead in the polls and think "my vote won't make any difference, I just won't go.", and they aren't accurate. So it is misleading to the public, as so many things in media are. Anyway, that's my spill for now.
No matter what happens I know God is in control.

Crying

I cry at least once a month. Of course I am a girl and I'm thinking thats around average. This past month, however, I have been crying a lot. The reasons for this past month vary, but yesterday was different.
It was the first time in a long time that I have cried over my relationship with God. It is a different kind of sadness because it is much more intense and real. My realtionship with God is not temporal like most things that I get upset over, it is eternal and the basis for my everything. It is my life line. I miss spending time with God, he's my best friend. When I neglect him I feel this emptiness inside that makes me more sad than I can ever describe. He doesn't leave me and i know that, but that is part of what makes me so sad. What would you feel like if you ignored and neglected your best friend and he/she just ran after you and continued to love and support you. My guess is that you would feel pretty crappy as I do. I want to give God my best, not because I am trying to earn his love ( I know I don't have to), but because he deserves so much more than I could ever give him. He gives to me freely all that I need and I have trouble giving him two hours a day.
Sure, as I go through the day I say little prayers and thank him here and there but that is not a relationship, at least not a strong one. Also, it is not what he is asking for. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ~Deuteronomy 6:5
I heard the song "Jesusfreak" by DC Talk, for the first time this past weekend. I know you are thinking -"wow where has she been?" - and I get that a lot so I really don't have an answer except that I'm pretty weird. I'm not sure when the song came out but I didn't dedicate my life to Christ until 1999 so that might have something to do with it. Anyway, I heard it and the chorus portrays exactly how I feel. I want to be a Jesus Freak.
...let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven" ~Mt. 5:16 "
...perfect love drives out fear.........we love because he first loved us" ~ 1John 4:18-19

So many verses have been dancing around my head this weekend and so I will share a few:
"Let your yes be yes and your no be no.." - James 5:12
"Test everything. Hold on to the good.Avoid every kind of evil" 1 Th. 5:21-22
" In all you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for men." Col. 3:23
"...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. " Col 3:12
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." Ph. 2:5
"Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgement on disputable matters." Rm. 14:1