Tough Crowd

My evening class just let out. It was a difficult and intense two hours that felt like four days.
The class is titled "Spirituality and Social Work", just the name makes me cringe. Ironically, this is one of my elective courses - go figure. I so often torture myself in the name of growth. Anyway, tonight we began by discussing ways to address faith in practice, moved from there to discrimination based on faith etc.., then majority U.S. culture vs. minority culture, and then lastly (and the reason I am so tense), the professor asked us to share our own personal beliefs. Now, as a Christian, something inside told me that I should be excited and thankful for the opportunity to share my faith, but then other parts of me began screaming with terror and fear. "What does that mean?" "Is there a context for understanding what I believe here?" I can tell you that it is very stressful to voice your personal beliefs when those listening may make general judgments about a whole group (protestant chrisitans) based on your comments, and when the "group" they associate you with is seen by them as judgmental, exclusive, and oppressive.

For any of you that don't know, I have had quite a few negative experiences at Wash U. related to my spiritual beliefs. Since social work is grounded in helping the oppressed or minorities- a majority, dominant, and exclusive religious belief is not welcomed with open arms. (I realize Jesus life was all about helping the oppressed, poor, & those without a voice, but sadly many people do not view Christianity in that way)
Many of my classmates have been hurt by Christians & churches in the past and they make that very clear. All this is to set the context under which I was asked to share my beliefs with several other classmates - none of which consider themselves to be Christians.

In addition, many share the mindset that Christians are out to "convert" others as their main goal in life and therefore search for ulterior motives in everything we say. While leading people to Christ is a biblical teaching, I believe the way it is applied in our lives can vary. My personal beliefs about "sharing the good news" may differ quite a bit from mainstream protestant beliefs. I lean more toward being obedient to God and knowing that He uses me in ways that may not be fully clear at the time. In other words, I don't wake up everyday and simply set out to "convert" people to Christianity. I view my duties as a Christian as something much bigger through which that goal is ultimately achieved. For me that means everyday I wake up with the goals of loving others as Christ loves me and drawing into a closer relationship with God (the Trinity).

Okay, so there I sat around a large conference table with several classmates staring at me and all their preconceived notions weighing on my shoulders. Top that with my introverted personality and the possibility of being misunderstood, offensive, or challenged in a way for which I was not prepared. Before speaking I prayed for boldness, wisdom, and God's divine intervention with my words, but still I fell short by worrying and not being confident and strong in God's plan and power. I want to speak with power, assurance, and a full trust in God.

Sharing my personal beliefs in a public arena is scary because it leaves me open for all kinds of criticism and judgment. At the same time, I am soooo thankful for these opportunities because I know God helps me grow through challenges. With every scary questions I've asked, criticism I've heard, and trial I've faced, my faith has increased despite my initial fears that the opposite would occur.

Bueller? Bueller?

WEll, the semester is booming. I am busy busy busy, but I am tragically unmotivated. If only I wouldn't procrastinate so much then maybe I could add something intelligent to my class discussions. Things as they are, skimming the chapters an hour before class doesn't really prepare me to add something innovative or thought provoking to any subject. In addition, my quality state education didn't really prepare me with the knowledge-base needed to shine among my ivy league classmates without proper preparation. As evident in this blog, I lack the correct vocabulary to even express my own views correctly sometimes. This deficiency is magnified in the context of a class where we analyze others' views, many of whom often speak what seems to be a different language entirely. Some might refer to this as pretentious or snobby talk. Okay, I refer to it as that, but whatever. It makes me feel better :O)
What's really upsetting is that I truly am interested in the assigned readings and topics of discussion. I would like to have a grasp of all the information presented in my classes - that is after all why I signed up for them. Who doesn't want to be an intelligent and a prepared professional? I mean, that is why most of us choose schools that have an excellent reputation in our field of study versus ones that advertise being a party/easy school.

Enough extra thinking for the day. I am going to try and prepare for my evening class in case I am called on to lead discussion. I know?! Isn't that stressful...........especially for those lazy few who chose to read a leisure book last night instead of the articles about economic growth and globalization. What are you looking at?!

Drive

Thursday 9/15/05 around 9AM:

Swirling in my chair, back and forth to the beat of Rascal Flats,” Where you are”, thinking about people miles away and my future that might only add more distance. Uncertainty is consuming me. How did I get here?
I could submit to the idea that all aspects of my life are part of a bigger plan driven by the Holy Spirit and move on. That sounds like the right answer…….. but too easy. Even though my mind cues an assumingly correct or safe response, there is something inside me that is forever unsure. Unsure of everything; not just where I am, but who I am, why, and how.
C.S. Lewis in “A Grief Observed” wrote of faith as a house made of cards that seems well structured until it’s unexpectedly shaken, at which point it falls to pieces. The rarely acknowledged holes of uncertainty and doubt eventually destroy our façade.
He continues that we eventually pick up the pieces and start over; assuming once again that what we have built is strong. However we can never really know until another storm. Our faith is nothing more than imagination until it is tried.
I am mostly in agreement with his theory- especially on days such as this. One critique or addition to his thought (dare I make one) is that our attempts to rebuild, even what turn out to be the frailest structures, are of vital importance.

In the midst of all my questioning and confusion, at my core there is a certainty. Not of answers to my questions, but something much bigger that I can’t articulate. It eliminates the questions and reminds me to let go.
Often, too often, the thoughts I entertain are trivial and meaningless. Why do I waste so many precious moments thinking about the other ones?

Now playing: “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”
Certainly, I am not always in tune to the correct inner voice and therefore cannot honestly assume that every choice along my path has landed me where I “should be.” Alas, “should” in itself assumes a “right” that is a constraint imposed by the limits of human understanding. The fact is that I am where I am and who I am right now in this moment. How and why cannot change what is. The present moment and our relation to it is all we have.

Re

"It's been a while." ~Staind

To say that returning to St. Louis after three weeks with my family in Alabama was difficult is a tremendous understatement. I miss them. At the same time, I missed many things about St. Louis while I was there. How tragic that each gain entails a loss- for now anyway. (see C.S. Lewis: The Great Divorce)
Situations and emotions such as these facinate me, and tempt me to waste endless hours analyzing life, priorities, choices, the value of loss etc... Alas, I have no time for hog wash such as that right now. Unfortunately, the trip back to STL entailed losing all back porch swing time. It is the regular hustle and bustle of school/work now.

Okay,.....Because I am weak and quickly becoming a master of procrastination, I will entertain one quick thought before I dash to class: Is there really such a thing as loss? Is each end truly only a new beginning? I mean what do you actually lose if you gain?...........
..................Okay, perhaps this is a silly thought. Of course you lose things. The real question is: If we (by whatever standard) gain more than is lost, have we experienced real loss?

Blah Blah Blah.....on another note.......what possesses me to think of things like this in the middle of a beautiful and sunny afternoon? Surely, I was dropped on my head as a child.