Weekends

I honestly can't decipher weekends from weekdays much anymore. Except for Sunday - the only day I really rest. Even though the hours are filled with church and DR, its rejuvenating. I used to need something to do every weekend or I felt weird. When did that go away? Whenever it was, all I can say is "Thank God."

I'm at home on a Friday night doing homework. I realize how pitiful this sounds, but what's even worse is that I am happy here. Being alone while most are not is okay with me, and strangely satisfying. The solitude is comforting. I feel as though I'm proving something to myself - something about making it on my own (aside from God). This is especially true during times when I feel the need to improve. Being alone - even if I'm not really working on anything- keeps me from feeling as though I'm running from my problems and chasing after things that will never satisfy.

While I'm glad to be in an emotional and mental state where I enjoy being alone, I'm also scared that its a sign of things to come. What if God is preparing me for a life without a deep human relationship? I admire Paul, but certainly don't want his life. That is horrible to say! I am revealed as the weak sinner that I am. I want to see past the temporary fulfillments this world offers, but it is so hard. Again, it is a struggle between what I know I should feel and what is actually there.

I have been thinking about pursuing a PhD lately, but then there are so many other things that I want to do. Do you ever feel like you have to do everything before you turn 30?
what's funny/sad is that I'm not sure if I want the PhD because I love to learn and want to help others through advancing a certain knowledge base or because I love the worldly fulfillment that professional status brings. I assume its both, but I could obtain the first in many ways.
Occasionally, I feel called to missions, but then I think "You don't have to leave the country to do mission work, plus you wouldn't see your family or friends - it wouldn't be comfortable." Indeed. Would I still have alone time? Hot showers?
more importantly - Would it matter? I know that the answer is NO! But I feel like its yes.

Don't you hate that? When your head and heart fight........
An ongoing struggle.

Earlier in the week I expressed being fed up with this self-reflective part of my personality........this is still the case, but I can't seem to make it go away. As you have probably noticed - I'm embracing it. More rambling to come.