Divided

I am divided.
What I feel and what I should feel
What I do and what I should do
What I want and what I should want
This is a constant battle between Flesh & Spirit.
I want my mother to be well and live as long as I do - I should want whatever God's will is. Is this right? I feel confused because there are so many gray areas. If I pray for healing is that wrong? I try to encompass both by tacking on, "If its your will" after my requests. This feels generic though and I want to be genuine with God.

It doesn't make sense, but I'm afraid to get really emotional and honest with God sometimes. I find it difficult to admit that I want Him to fix my mother and that I want her here with me, even if it isn't His will. This is incredibly selfish and makes the weakness of my faith too real. Somewhere deep inside me is the voice of the spirit that understands death and sickness and does want God's will. This same part of me knows that His will is perfect and only good can come from it. That side of me submits, but what do I do with the other half? I do want God's will above all else and I just wish that the doubtful and weak side that steals my joy would disappear.

When I really open up to God my Father, Savior, Comforter, and Friend, he gives me peace. Still, I have trouble letting go and being completely open. God knows all of me, but laying weaknesses out in front of Him is not easy. It includes being honest with myself.

I was discussing sin with a friend from DR the other night and he talked about knowing your weaknesses in order to win battles.
My take on it : True. Knowing is half the battle - with that comes confession, submission, and petitioning. The other half is faith, provisions, God's grace and amazing power. We can't do it alone.

God - help me be real, honest, and open as I lay my fears, feelings, and desires before you.

"We are a beautiful letdown." ~ Switchfoot

Change

"The only constant is change" - I can't remember the original author

I am always changing, sometimes more than others, but none the less always in transition. I recently read Journey of Desire and it speaks to the concept of what we're changing toward - what God has planned for us. I recommend the book if you have time. The way he portrays Heaven is encouraging.

During a spat of boredom this morning I was flipping back through some of my old journal entries and blogs. - I do this from time to time as a way to reflect on decisions I've made and how God has worked in my life. I also use it as a basic memory tool. Unfortunately, I have one of the worst memories in history, which lets me forget some of the richest details that have shaped my path.

When I was browsing through it almost felt like I was reading about someone else. That is how far removed I have become from my own thoughts in just a few months. Even my writing style is different this month. If you have a bored moment you might check out a few post from Oct.; undoubtedly you will notice a difference as well.
- How have I changed so much and so quickly? - I am still "me", but a different version of myself. Better? Worse? ???? I feel both.

I was going through a lot of different emotions when I first moved to St. Louis in August. Consequently I spent a lot of time in solitude. This is reflected in my writing, which seems to be speaking from a much deeper part of myself.

"Change is ..... to give up what we are ........ to become what we could be."

Perhaps, I haven't changed that much, instead maybe I am just thinking on and speaking from a different level of consciousness. Either way, I am not sure if I am satisfied with the difference. Why am I not fully expressing myself lately? I am not reflecting on things in the same way that I was only a short time ago. In an odd way this is very upsetting.

I need to remember that a relationship with God is similar to human realtionships - they both take effort.

I confess that something has been lacking from my time with God lately. Just this morning, right after quiet time, I thought to myself, "Shelly you really didn't spend time with God this morning. Did you think of ways to apply what you read in your life? Did you earnestly pray about the desires of your heart, loved ones, and His will? Did you listen for what He has to say to you?" - "no." Well, there is my answer. The difference is always God.

Yep. This is why I love journals - they help me think clearly. (Even if they aren't written clearly ;o)

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." ~ Mt. 6:33

Beauty

What makes something beautiful?
I imagine each person would answer this differently. There is so much beauty in this world (and in our imaginations) that it can't be fully expressed through words. However, since that is the medium at my disposal........
I've been thinking about what I find beautiful and why. Snowy mornings are captivating for me, but perhaps because they are a fairly new experience. In the beginning many people are beautiful and intriguing, but the beauty too often fades as they are more fully known. On the contrary, beauty can grow over time, not only for people but places as well.
If it is not the newness (since many places and people I grew up around are quite breathtaking), then maybe it is the characteristics or feelings they represent. The purity of an all white ground, untouched, delicate, and serene; children who are uncensored, boundless, and fervent; both are beautiful to me because of what they represent in my mind and the emotion they evoke from my heart.

Everyone has heard, "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." This is true, but I can't help believe that some things are beautiful to everyone whether they recognize or admit it as such.
Humility in the face of pride, a person standing firm against great opposition, revalations of truth, surely all evoke strong emotion from any heart. Any act performed from pure faith and assurance, without a care of other's opinions, is captivating.
Think of the most beautiful people you have ever known, somone you truly admire - did they not act of their own accord despite other's opinions and exhibit great inner strength in some form at some point in time?

Maybe beauty is just the term that I use to describe whatever is summoning great emotion and reactions from my heart.
In passing I think of beauty as physical characteristics of an object, something to be seen by the eyes, but in truth it is so much more.

The most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed was a truly selfless act of love for another that went completely unoticed - and was meant to.

Return

I got back in St. Louis yesterday. It was good to see friends and I'm looking forward to DR, but I am also very sad to leave my family. Being home for three weeks gave me just enough time to get comfortable and experience seperation anxiety again. Time with them is so important to me; they are so important to me. Sometimes this creates a personal conflict. Should I plan for a career near my family or should I grab the best opportunity that presents itself, despite location? Being a grown up kind of sucks. I don't like making serious decisions like this.
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about it as long as I stay centered on God. He is the best decision maker.
Lord, help me be completely submitted to you and your will.
P.S. Thanks to Katie and Jamie for being understanding, strong, loving, and Godly friends. They are always around to bring up the bright side to my occasional pessimism ;O)

Flying South for the Winter

Well, everything is wonderful here in Alabama. I haven't worn a coat since I stepped off the plane. The sun has been shining everyday and I am keeping busy with friends and family. I am a little more busy than my ideal vacation but I wouldn't trade it. There are so many things here that I didn't realize I missed. I spend most mornings on the back porch doing quiet time, staring at the sky, and listening. I appreciate the birds much more now since I had gotten used to hearing squirrels every morning in STL(whether outside or in the attic - dang freeloaders ;o) After porch time I usually cook breakfast with my mom. Unfortunately, I can already see the effects of her cooking on my figure. After being home for a few weeks I am astonished at how little food I keep around my apartment in STL. What do I eat? Perhaps these are my mothers words seeping through. I am certainly looking forward to getting back in the gym and back into my more normal eating habits.
I have really missed my baby sister Jenny and I am trying to spend as much time as possible with her. Of course, she has school and would prefer I didn't accompany her. Hehe...I am so annoying. Surely, she is ready for me to leave. It seems like the longer I stay here the more things I know I will miss. Leaving this time may be worse than the first because I have noticed so many more small comforts.
I kept my niece and nephew for a few days, which was a blast. I wish that everyday was run around the country and climb trees day. Living in the country has made them more creative. There is a swing at the bottom of their driveway that they made from a rope and a hose pipe. The hose pipe is gathered in a circle and looped through the rope to create a seat. I was quite impressed and it even held my weight. Both of them have their own dog (mutts from TEARS of course) that loves to jump on and lick everything, including us. After a few times of being all but tackled, I talked myself into believing that it is sweet and that a dog's mouth is really one of the cleanest places (according to my niece). ;o) Anyway, I had a blast and feel very sad to tell them goodbye. They keep asking me to do things with them next month or on their birthdays(March and Sept.) and I hate saying that I won't be here. They don't understand why I can't come anyway and it has made me think a lot about time. Time is irrelevant to children. How wonderful! They exhibit no real sense of urgency or understanding of the limits that time imposes on us.
My mom is still grieving over my grandmother's death two years ago and we have had many discussions about this since my return home. She has been questioning whether people go strait to heaven or remain in the grave until the rapture. The point I keep raising is that time is broken with death - how relieving. The answer to me is both. A marquee keeps running across my brain - eternal, boundless, free from the constraints and cruelties of time.

Anyhow..back to the South. I love it, I missed it, its comfortable. How can so many things be right for me. I love cities, the country, the South, the North, and the Midwest. I would love to council others, work on government policies, lobby, or do mission work. I would love to work in the U.S. but would equally like to work overseas. I sometimes get frustrated with this wide array of seemingly satisfying options because it makes me question whether I have real passion for anything. Of course, this is silly because I know that God has a plan for me and I am passionate about that. Thank you God for your joy!