Aftermath

Aftermath

I don’t know why I did it. I know better.
Yet here I sit wadded Kleenex all around me, my eyes red and squinty, and my head is beginning to hurt a bit from fighting back this episode as long as possible. Perhaps next time I will just begin sobbing at the very beginning of the movie. Maybe that way I can skip the headache and just concentrate on seeing through my puffy eyelids.

So………..tonight in a weak moment, while trying to avoid homework, I decided to watch a girly movie. Oh yes, and not just a girly movie; for me it’s “the” girly movie. I say “the” because it is somewhat realistic, inspires me to be a better person, and it is God centered. Okay, perhaps love is the center and God is a close second. After all, it is a girly movie. Actually, I take that back. God is the center – at least from my perspective. The movie is based on my all time favorite book, “A Walk to Remember.” I read it years ago and it had a tremendous affect on my life. Some of you might find this silly since the book is so simple. I admit it isn’t a “must read” for most people. And I’m pretty positive it didn’t make any top ten lists or have a profound affect on our society. Yet, its simplicity is part of its brilliance. If you have seen the movie and not read the book – do yourself a favor.
As I said, the core of the story, like in so many films, is love. The twist is that it’s love between two people under the shadow of the love of God. It shows how God’s love is so much bigger than our conventional portrayal. Love can manifest as butterflies in your stomach, a feeling of understanding or even a commitment; but it can also be tears, despair, and confusion.
I’m sure that I’ve written it before …….. The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.
The way I see it, love is part of everything that is worth anything here – even pain.
This movie, and much more so the book, speaks not only to the joy of love and life but also to the pain and suffering that are undoubtedly part of both.
I could say so much more about what this story reveals to me, but I would still not do it justice.

“It’s the beauty of simplicity that fills me with eternity.” ~ Telecast

Words...

I was watching a film. They were standing in front of her door for only the second time in four months. He was telling her how a small sentence she had spoken to him earlier in their relationship had changed his life. Her expression was confused. He smiled and then answered with a random and yet perfect reply, “I will protect you.”
One sentence – this was not the sentence she had spoken to him. Instead, it was what she needed to hear for change in her own life. Through hearing it, she realized how something as small as one sentence can have a huge impact.

As a woman, I can concur that is a powerful statement. “I love you,” seems over-used. To be honest, those three words do not capture my heart near as much as the four. Many times I have heard people confess their love to another. Even I have exchanged this sentiment. Yet, I have never heard or experienced someone confessing their desire to protect. Perhaps, this desire or action comes with love, but to hear it teased out as a primary focus is moving beyond expectations.

Words can be extremely powerful; they can break or build. Controlling the tongue is a great and never ceasing challenge, in part because it is the outpour of our hearts. To control words, one must first take captive the thoughts, feelings, and actions that surround them. Some have separated their words from these other parts, but what they speak no longer carries any power at all. One who speaks empty words has not controlled their tongue. Rather it has gained control of them and suppressed their abilities.
I would like to hear someone verbalize their desire to protect me, but only if their “yes mean yes and their no means no.”
There is no more strength in my heart for empty or false words.

My friend is currently reading a John Eldridge book about a woman’s heart. I think the title is …. something something Captivated. ?
As she was summarizing different exerts from the book for me, I realized that it was an elaboration on many points mentioned in one of his other books, “Wild at Heart.” What she is reading sounds insightful. Still I don’t desire to further explore my vulnerabilities at this point.

How many people allow themselves to delve into the deeper longings they have for this life? I would presume that the people who do become wiser and more saddened. As I have concluded many times………Most great writers, poets, artists etc… experienced extreme sorrow, burdens, and dismay. What is our lot?

Chapter 25

The clock is ticking in my left ear while sappy music breezes by my right. My skin looks more green than usual under the light from a dusty bulb hanging above my wobbly kitchen table. This has subtly become the main setting for my life.

10/19/05 9:00 AM
Books are stridden all over the kitchen table. She sits with a book in hand and blankly stares at the empty wall. The pen in her right hand taps along with the beat of the second hand on the large clock hanging above the table. The same slow song repeats in the background.

10/19/05 1:00 PM
Books are stridden all over the kitchen table. She highlights several words and then jots down scribble onto her notebook. The light from her cell phone blinks causing a distraction. She looks at the phone and then turns it off and sighs. Again her eyes find a favorite spot on the wall.

10/19/05 4:00 PM
The clock is ticking away. She glances up and then with a look of panic jumps to her feet. She quickly scrapes all papers into a bag and runs out the door.

10/19/05 10:15 PM
Slowly she walks through the back door. Without turning, she pushed the door with just enough effort to hear it softly click into the latch. She transfers the papers from her bag back onto the table. Standing over them she lets out a dramatic sigh. For a few minutes she just stands there as if deciding what to do next. Walking into another room, she turns up the same sappy song from before and falls backward onto a neatly made bed.