Chasm

Why am I still wide awake? Usually, I'm already asleep by now, or at least drifting away. The day was just like any other Thursday - work then home. I did drink a bit more coffee, but I consider myself pretty immune to caffeine. Anyway..Here I sit.

Lots of things are on my mind tonight: the retreat, my sister's wedding, finals, money, a trip home, running to be started, reading to be finished, finding an affordable apartment, and the other everyday stuff. God tells us not to worry but I can't stop thinking. I know everything will get taken care of if I will just surrender it to the Lord. Unfortunately, this is one of my biggest struggles. I can't let go of the worrying. While completely irrational, I feel that I'm being passive and complacent if I don't at least worry about the things that need to be taken care of (is that redundant?).
Oh how I long to give everything to God. My faith is so weak.

Hopefully, this is not the beginning of another cycle of rough sleep. Not sleeping well has to be one of the most difficult tolls on physical and mental health. There has only been one time in my life where bad sleep led to positive outcomes. Throughout the entire summer of 2003, I don't think I slept a full night or more than a a dozen nights of any deep sleep. There was so much uncertainty and turmoil then that my mind never quit racing. I had no peace. Interestingly enough, I grew more spiritually in those three months than I did the entire year preceding them.

Wow, God has brought me through some difficult times. It's strange to look back and see what God was doing. I remember when I was going through that summer, I prayed for the whole thing to end and that God would just give me rest. He did - in His time. But he also gave me so much more. Those nights were worth the lost sleep.

Still, I want to sleep now. See how weak I am? ..... I was just reminded of how God worked tremendously in my life during a time of sleep deprivation and yet I am craving a solid nights sleep. Why am I not rejoicing that God has given me this time? I want to rejoice and be thankful in all things..... er..

I grow tired of watching the gap widen between who I am and who I long to be.

Quiz

American Cities That Best Fit You:

55% Honolulu

55% Washington, DC

50% Atlanta

50% Los Angeles

50% Miami

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Not perfect

Me:
Clutz
Silly
Horrific Speller
Insecure
Neurotic
Over concerned with what others think
Over analytical
Self conscious


..........but also..........a child of God

Thank God! He redeems me and makes me beautiful.

I try so hard sometimes to be what I think God wants me to be without ever stopping to ask Him. Listening to Him instead of doing all the talking is something I might try. Why do I waste time wondering what others think of my reltaionship with God? Often, I find myself feeling pressured to be perfect as a testament to God. Isn't that stupid!? Not only does it make me feel like an utter failure and incredably weak, it also misses the entire point of God's grace.
The truth is that I am a total screw-up, yet God loves me more than I can fathom. Humility is a testiment to God, not perfection.

Lord, I pray that you humble me gently in your abounding mercy and grace. Let me be renewed in your power and love. Grant me peace of heart and contentment in knowing that your will shall be done. Take my mistakes and weaknesses and mold them into something that will glorify you Father. Thank you for loving me, changing me, and sustaining me.

Unworthy

Grace is showing love to some one who doesn't deserve it and could never earn it.

God is gracious to me. He has blessed me with wonderful friends whose generosity is overwhelming. My car has been sick for a little while now. As a student I stay pretty broke and so I haven't been able to fix it. When I realized I couldn't afford repairs I gave it to God. Well, like always, He delivered and in the most wonderful way. A bunch of my friends got together and had my car fixed for me as a birthday present. I am totally excited to have my car back, but I am even more excited about what God has revealed to me through this ordeal. I am surrounded by people who love the Lord and love each other as themselves - what an extraordinary blessing. Expressing what I feel in text is almost impossible at this point, but suffice to say that this is one of those moments in life where all I can do is let out a sigh, look up, say thanks, and accept that I will never fully understand all the blessings in my life.

I am so undeserving of the love that surrounds me. I can never be all that the people in my life deserve, but the good news is that I don't have to. I will pray and God will fulfill them.

~Thanks.

quotes

"...the significance (and ultimately the quality) of the work we do is determined by our understanding of the story in which we are taking part." Wendell Berry


Activism
Christ's endless concern for the poor, oppressed and neglected displays something of the heart of God. And so there may be no greater reward than joining in his concerns by donating our time to organizations which are working diligently to see the wrongfully imprisoned set free, the hungry fed, the oppressor brought to justice, and the sick made well. Our calling is not to isolate and then help, but to join our fellow men serving the poor and oppressed, whether they share our specific political and religious views or not. In serving, we also get to meet some great people and redeem to them the relational dynamic of Christian Spirituality just as they redeem the image of a person who does not share our faith (a person we believe God made). One thinker said it this way: "We know we have made God in our image when he hates the same people we hate." ~ Donald Miller

Day Reading

Today was beautiful. A nice breeze, blaring sun and a baby blue sky. This is my favorite weather. I wish it could always be Spring. A visit to Forest Park was the first thing on my mind this morning, but I never made it over. I picked up a book for one of my classes and before I knew it, the day had passed me by. Snuggled on a wicker chair in my sunroom I finished the book as the sun faded. This book is different than the usually assigned readings and in fact it was quite interesting- obviously I couldn't put it down.
The reason I enjoyed the book so, is that it directly relates to some struggles in my life. For this reason I won't name the novel.
Anyway, at first I felt excited that I had finished the whole book and didn't have to worry with it anymore. Then I felt upset that I had "wasted" the day. In the end though, I had to admit that I really enjoyed myself, even if i didn't take the book outside for some sun.
Rainy days are the best to lay around and read, but i'll take whatever God gives me and say thanks.

Day reading is better than night reading because I'm alert and can explore all the side thoughts that the text evokes. At night I fall asleep if I let my thoughts run away from the page.
In a lot of ways I think reading is like dreaming. You imagine characters, settings, and fit things to your own perceptions and situations (at least I do). Books are powerful for many reasons, one of which is that they change depending on the reader.

I would love to write a book..... Maybe some day.

until.....

Unprepared

Well, just as quickly as I was on top of everything - I am unprepared for class today. We had four novels to read for this weekend and we were asked to give at least one question from each chapter for discussion today. I read only one book (658 pages). Geez do they think we are machines or something. However, the book was very interesting and I recommend it if you are into politics of the U.S..

The good news is that in grad school professors don't like to give mediocre grades. They basically, either give A-B or an F. Since I have been prepared up to this point, I don't think turning in my questions for the novels on Sunday will be a problem. Of course, this is a completely hopeful assumption on my part. We'll see. Fortunately, my body has reached it's stress limit for this week and so I am not worried about the assignment - or at least I am numb to additional emotions at this point and therefore don't notice it.
Either way, I am feeling like "Oh well, nothing I can do about it now."

Tangent:
So, I missed Crystal's April Fools party last night because I was frantically reading books about our government system. What a bummer - I really wanted to go since she invited a ton of people that I've never met before. Do you ever wonder what you look like from the outside? I wonder what someone would write about my life if they were a constant on looker. What would I right? I would venture that unless it were stated, the books would appear to be about completely different people.

Intrusive Thought: What makes us who we are? Our perception? Other's perceptions? A combination?.... Okay, I'll stop here, but know that I could blog about this for hours and I would love to hear varying opinions.

Stickers

"Joy lives in the Heart"

That is written on one of the stickers that my nieces and nephews put on the envelope they sent me for my birthday. They each made beautiful and special cards with pictures and birthday wishes. Isn't that thoughtful? I miss them.

Anyway........as I was getting ready this morning I glanced at the envelope on my desk and the sticker (which I hadn't noticed before) was the first thing I saw. It touched my day and so I thought I would share it.

Hope your hearts are filled with joy today :O)