Running
I feel gross. I am not feeling well physically or emotionally.
It has been a little while since I blogged. Why you ask, well I haven't really been able to collect my thoughts. Even now I am unsure what is on my mind. This is strange for me and I am not sure what's wrong. My theory is that I am thinking of entirely too many things at once. "Give it to God"--- what my heart is saying right this very moment. Alas, I will try ....
I have had a full but relatively normal week and weekend. I didn't do too much, but then again it feels like I always do too much when I look at my messy room and the number of assignments due this week which I haven't even started. I think I need to quit making plans. Its just that when the weekend rolls around there are so many appealing options. Everyone wants to go have "fun."
Fun = ?
Lately, I am thinking that I should stay in for a few weeks and try to get some kind of order reinstated. It is so nice to be prepared. This is often underrated for "experiences" or "memories". Both of which are equally important and wonderful, but they are so much better for me when my foundations are strong.
God has been asking for more of my time for a while now and I am having difficulty handing it over. This is so stupid and it is getting me into messes. I feel like I am not myself lately.
" Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break.
For some steady feet or sturdy ground..... a road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run...." ~ Nicole Nordeman
what's really weird is that I know the only thing that will make me feel better and straighten things out is the one thing I'm avoiding. God.
Sunday school really spoke to me this morning. (God is in everything. He loves me and provides all that I need even when I am running in the opposite direction. ) He really speaks to me through music. This weekend a friend and I were discussing music and I mentioned that I mostly just listen to Christian. He gave me the strangest look and then just changed the subject. That is the reaction I get a lot especially when people ride with me on trips. I remember when I used to feel that way. Now listening to whatever is on the radio seems like a waste of time to me.
I am picky about what I listen to. Maybe this is because I am aware of how much music can affect me. Even sometimes when I can't pray, don't know what to say or how I feel (pretty often lately) I can just turn on certain songs and I feel closer to God and I know he understands. I remember that God knows my heart fully and that he loves me anyway.
To be loved by God. Indescribable.
I am picky in general with my time, what I look at,listen to, who I am around. Life is just so brief that I don't want to waste anything. How ashamed would I be to arrive at heaven knowing that I spent 150000 hours of my life listening to songs about sex, drugs, lust, and others of the sort and that I only showed the love of God to 15 people. Already I hang my head in disgust of past decisions. Thankfully Jesus has taken those sins and tossed them into the bottom of the ocean. They are as far away as the East is from the West. Praise God.
I'm sure some people would read this and say, "Weirdo, all she wants to do is be alone all the time and not experience anything." This is a common misperception I think. I am more alone when I am hanging out with twenty friends and acquaintances but haven't spent enough time with The Lord than I am at 4:00 AM sitting in my apartment reading the Bible. No matter how many people are around, i feel completely alone without God. He is always there, but like with any relationship, I feel closer to him when I am actively investing my time into the relationship and trying to know Him more.
I am going to DR tonight but I must confess I have mixed feelings. I am going because I feel like it is what God wants me to do. Obedience. I don't feel like being around a lot of people. I'm just not in the mood I guess. However, from past experiences I know that God has a purpose and that going will have a better outcome than doing it my way.
God, I love you. Thank you for being more than enough.
It has been a little while since I blogged. Why you ask, well I haven't really been able to collect my thoughts. Even now I am unsure what is on my mind. This is strange for me and I am not sure what's wrong. My theory is that I am thinking of entirely too many things at once. "Give it to God"--- what my heart is saying right this very moment. Alas, I will try ....
I have had a full but relatively normal week and weekend. I didn't do too much, but then again it feels like I always do too much when I look at my messy room and the number of assignments due this week which I haven't even started. I think I need to quit making plans. Its just that when the weekend rolls around there are so many appealing options. Everyone wants to go have "fun."
Fun = ?
Lately, I am thinking that I should stay in for a few weeks and try to get some kind of order reinstated. It is so nice to be prepared. This is often underrated for "experiences" or "memories". Both of which are equally important and wonderful, but they are so much better for me when my foundations are strong.
God has been asking for more of my time for a while now and I am having difficulty handing it over. This is so stupid and it is getting me into messes. I feel like I am not myself lately.
" Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break.
For some steady feet or sturdy ground..... a road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run...." ~ Nicole Nordeman
what's really weird is that I know the only thing that will make me feel better and straighten things out is the one thing I'm avoiding. God.
Sunday school really spoke to me this morning. (God is in everything. He loves me and provides all that I need even when I am running in the opposite direction. ) He really speaks to me through music. This weekend a friend and I were discussing music and I mentioned that I mostly just listen to Christian. He gave me the strangest look and then just changed the subject. That is the reaction I get a lot especially when people ride with me on trips. I remember when I used to feel that way. Now listening to whatever is on the radio seems like a waste of time to me.
I am picky about what I listen to. Maybe this is because I am aware of how much music can affect me. Even sometimes when I can't pray, don't know what to say or how I feel (pretty often lately) I can just turn on certain songs and I feel closer to God and I know he understands. I remember that God knows my heart fully and that he loves me anyway.
To be loved by God. Indescribable.
I am picky in general with my time, what I look at,listen to, who I am around. Life is just so brief that I don't want to waste anything. How ashamed would I be to arrive at heaven knowing that I spent 150000 hours of my life listening to songs about sex, drugs, lust, and others of the sort and that I only showed the love of God to 15 people. Already I hang my head in disgust of past decisions. Thankfully Jesus has taken those sins and tossed them into the bottom of the ocean. They are as far away as the East is from the West. Praise God.
I'm sure some people would read this and say, "Weirdo, all she wants to do is be alone all the time and not experience anything." This is a common misperception I think. I am more alone when I am hanging out with twenty friends and acquaintances but haven't spent enough time with The Lord than I am at 4:00 AM sitting in my apartment reading the Bible. No matter how many people are around, i feel completely alone without God. He is always there, but like with any relationship, I feel closer to him when I am actively investing my time into the relationship and trying to know Him more.
I am going to DR tonight but I must confess I have mixed feelings. I am going because I feel like it is what God wants me to do. Obedience. I don't feel like being around a lot of people. I'm just not in the mood I guess. However, from past experiences I know that God has a purpose and that going will have a better outcome than doing it my way.
God, I love you. Thank you for being more than enough.
posted by SBean at 5:43 PM
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