Chasm
Why am I still wide awake? Usually, I'm already asleep by now, or at least drifting away. The day was just like any other Thursday - work then home. I did drink a bit more coffee, but I consider myself pretty immune to caffeine. Anyway..Here I sit.
Lots of things are on my mind tonight: the retreat, my sister's wedding, finals, money, a trip home, running to be started, reading to be finished, finding an affordable apartment, and the other everyday stuff. God tells us not to worry but I can't stop thinking. I know everything will get taken care of if I will just surrender it to the Lord. Unfortunately, this is one of my biggest struggles. I can't let go of the worrying. While completely irrational, I feel that I'm being passive and complacent if I don't at least worry about the things that need to be taken care of (is that redundant?).
Oh how I long to give everything to God. My faith is so weak.
Hopefully, this is not the beginning of another cycle of rough sleep. Not sleeping well has to be one of the most difficult tolls on physical and mental health. There has only been one time in my life where bad sleep led to positive outcomes. Throughout the entire summer of 2003, I don't think I slept a full night or more than a a dozen nights of any deep sleep. There was so much uncertainty and turmoil then that my mind never quit racing. I had no peace. Interestingly enough, I grew more spiritually in those three months than I did the entire year preceding them.
Wow, God has brought me through some difficult times. It's strange to look back and see what God was doing. I remember when I was going through that summer, I prayed for the whole thing to end and that God would just give me rest. He did - in His time. But he also gave me so much more. Those nights were worth the lost sleep.
Still, I want to sleep now. See how weak I am? ..... I was just reminded of how God worked tremendously in my life during a time of sleep deprivation and yet I am craving a solid nights sleep. Why am I not rejoicing that God has given me this time? I want to rejoice and be thankful in all things..... er..
I grow tired of watching the gap widen between who I am and who I long to be.
Lots of things are on my mind tonight: the retreat, my sister's wedding, finals, money, a trip home, running to be started, reading to be finished, finding an affordable apartment, and the other everyday stuff. God tells us not to worry but I can't stop thinking. I know everything will get taken care of if I will just surrender it to the Lord. Unfortunately, this is one of my biggest struggles. I can't let go of the worrying. While completely irrational, I feel that I'm being passive and complacent if I don't at least worry about the things that need to be taken care of (is that redundant?).
Oh how I long to give everything to God. My faith is so weak.
Hopefully, this is not the beginning of another cycle of rough sleep. Not sleeping well has to be one of the most difficult tolls on physical and mental health. There has only been one time in my life where bad sleep led to positive outcomes. Throughout the entire summer of 2003, I don't think I slept a full night or more than a a dozen nights of any deep sleep. There was so much uncertainty and turmoil then that my mind never quit racing. I had no peace. Interestingly enough, I grew more spiritually in those three months than I did the entire year preceding them.
Wow, God has brought me through some difficult times. It's strange to look back and see what God was doing. I remember when I was going through that summer, I prayed for the whole thing to end and that God would just give me rest. He did - in His time. But he also gave me so much more. Those nights were worth the lost sleep.
Still, I want to sleep now. See how weak I am? ..... I was just reminded of how God worked tremendously in my life during a time of sleep deprivation and yet I am craving a solid nights sleep. Why am I not rejoicing that God has given me this time? I want to rejoice and be thankful in all things..... er..
I grow tired of watching the gap widen between who I am and who I long to be.
posted by SBean at 10:47 PM
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