Bubbles

I was sitting in traffic a few days ago going very very slow, as usual. While I was inching along it started to drizzle. It's strange, but I love rain so much that it can actually distract me. So...I started looking around at other cars etc... As I was scanning the other cars and drivers, I noticed that it looked like everyone was just sitting there in a giant bubble. Each person was staring forward, some on their cell phones, others just sitting. How sad, I thought, that we are all so close to one another and yet so guarded by our bubbles. I wondered how many of those people were lonely and longing for someone to talk to them or touch them.
People need other people. It's just true. We may not want it to be true. We may act like it isn't true, but it is...
I wish that the US was more communal. Ya know? I think it would really aid in promoting love and peace over hostility and hate. It seems much more difficult to be cruel toward someone with whom you've had personal contact.
So I was thinking about all the bubbles I have around my life. I wake up in my own room & get ready in my own bathroom (bubble 1), I get in my car by myself (bubble 2), I arrive at work and go directly to my office (bubble 3)....I could go on for hours.

Under the Weather

Fever and the Flu...
My fever ran over a hundred degrees for the majority of this last week. It is amazing the clarity that can come from delusional states. I think that I had an epiphany of sorts while doped up on medicine.
Don't you hate it when you have a realization of what you should do, get all excited, and then also realize how difficult it would be? The difficult factor really dampens the party sometimes. In an effort to procrastinate any strenuous work, I will mull over the ideas for another few days until I am completely well.

I have been feeling guilty lately about the ease of my life. I get up, choose from several outfits, drive myself to work, sit in a cushy office, eat a lunch of my choice, return to office, drive home, and begin various leisure activities. Blah! There are mornings that I feel so worthless I want to vomit!
My perfect day: I wake up before dawn, kiss my wonderful husband (who has already made coffee), and begin to prepare a large breakfast of food from my garden. I wake up all the children that have been staying with me recently, love on them and feed them. We play for a brief time in the morning and then we get to work on various trades, school, etc... I later meet with some adults to discuss the political distress of the situation and brainstorm ideas for mending the village's difficulties. I return to my "home" and ......you get the picture.

Wouldn't that be great?! I would love to wake up everyday and do something meaningful for people who really need it. Can you imagine a life where no moment is wasted on the mundane and fruitless - but where the focus is forever on something bigger than yourself? I am sick and tired of thinking about what clothes to wear, how much gas cost, what I will cook for dinner, and when I will pay off my debts. It matters not in comparison to children who wake up and wonder if they will eat, will be loved, and will be safe.

Did you know that in many countries the flu claims lives daily? There are no vaccines or rather the infrastructure in the country is so bad that the vaccines cannot be delivered to villages that desperately need them. I am ashamed of what I take for granted in my overly blessed life.

Upside Down

Sometimes I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. What I thought I knew, I do not. What I thought I wanted, I may not. What I thought could never happen, has come to pass.

I suppose, that is a continual lesson of life - Your plans only go so far, the rest is left to fate.

So, here I am - in the midst of my life while also waiting for "it" to come about.
What is "it"? I have not a clue apparently. I once thought that it was a certain degree, a particular job, a relationship. Alas, I have had those things and find myself still waiting. Waiting through life is no way to live. I would like to take control; a revamping of my outlook so to speak. "Carpe diem!" However, in the spirit of honesty, I am the type who can only take this saying so far. I do love adventure and living in the moment. Still, there is a part of me that must always have a new goal in order to press on. I have obviously not decided yet what that will be.
I heard once that if you are lost you should re-trace your steps. Thus, here I am - blogging once again.
I seriously doubt that any of my old friends still read this thing, but I am writing all the same and plan to continue for a bit. . . .

What's New: I am living in Alabama. Yes I know....how did this happen? I haven't a clue. Currently I am working as a counselor, but considering a career shift. My graduate degree was really more focused on policy and I would like to head back in that direction. However, as you might imagine, policy jobs are hard to come by in this part of the country. Therefore, I am also toying with the idea of a move.
My question for today is this: Is life truly just one transition stage after another or am I missing all the stability by looking for it?

Look at the Time

Well, it has been so long since I posted anything that I had forgotten my password.

Nothing terribly interesting to report at this point. I am preparing to leave the country for a little while, but plan on keeping this blog as up to date as possible while away.
I have returned to Alabama and officially finished my graduate course work.........YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again.....YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now all I have left is my internship/practicum. Hmm, terrifying thought: once I finish the practicum I will be some sort of a "grown up" - whatever that means. At the very least I will be forced to secure a real job, less the student loan officers hunt me down and steal ..........well I actually have nothing of value for them to take.......perhaps they will just destroy my credit and leave me eternally shamed. Ah, finally I shall have the cardboard dream home that I so often fashioned as a child.

Snaps to all of my "grown up" friends for their hard working, day in and day out, triumph over .......hmm I think I am against this whole growing up scheme. How can you stick it to the man when he pays you...? Okay, I am obviously having a day. Forgive me.
Truly, I do admire those who work hard everyday in their respective careers. Hopefully, I can face my fears and make a transition into the "real world" soon. Or.......I could dwell on a statement made by one of my closest friends. "Shelly" she said,"some people aren't cut out for a 9-5 job. And let's face it, you have a low attention span." :O) Isn't she a doll? I love those friendly motivational insults. Only the truest of friends can provide them.

Okay that is it for now, but let me assure you that I plan on posting more frequently since my anxiety is obviously heightened and this is a wonderful outlet. Conveniently, it also lets me keep in touch.
Gosh I love multi-tasking.

Aftermath

Aftermath

I don’t know why I did it. I know better.
Yet here I sit wadded Kleenex all around me, my eyes red and squinty, and my head is beginning to hurt a bit from fighting back this episode as long as possible. Perhaps next time I will just begin sobbing at the very beginning of the movie. Maybe that way I can skip the headache and just concentrate on seeing through my puffy eyelids.

So………..tonight in a weak moment, while trying to avoid homework, I decided to watch a girly movie. Oh yes, and not just a girly movie; for me it’s “the” girly movie. I say “the” because it is somewhat realistic, inspires me to be a better person, and it is God centered. Okay, perhaps love is the center and God is a close second. After all, it is a girly movie. Actually, I take that back. God is the center – at least from my perspective. The movie is based on my all time favorite book, “A Walk to Remember.” I read it years ago and it had a tremendous affect on my life. Some of you might find this silly since the book is so simple. I admit it isn’t a “must read” for most people. And I’m pretty positive it didn’t make any top ten lists or have a profound affect on our society. Yet, its simplicity is part of its brilliance. If you have seen the movie and not read the book – do yourself a favor.
As I said, the core of the story, like in so many films, is love. The twist is that it’s love between two people under the shadow of the love of God. It shows how God’s love is so much bigger than our conventional portrayal. Love can manifest as butterflies in your stomach, a feeling of understanding or even a commitment; but it can also be tears, despair, and confusion.
I’m sure that I’ve written it before …….. The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.
The way I see it, love is part of everything that is worth anything here – even pain.
This movie, and much more so the book, speaks not only to the joy of love and life but also to the pain and suffering that are undoubtedly part of both.
I could say so much more about what this story reveals to me, but I would still not do it justice.

“It’s the beauty of simplicity that fills me with eternity.” ~ Telecast

Words...

I was watching a film. They were standing in front of her door for only the second time in four months. He was telling her how a small sentence she had spoken to him earlier in their relationship had changed his life. Her expression was confused. He smiled and then answered with a random and yet perfect reply, “I will protect you.”
One sentence – this was not the sentence she had spoken to him. Instead, it was what she needed to hear for change in her own life. Through hearing it, she realized how something as small as one sentence can have a huge impact.

As a woman, I can concur that is a powerful statement. “I love you,” seems over-used. To be honest, those three words do not capture my heart near as much as the four. Many times I have heard people confess their love to another. Even I have exchanged this sentiment. Yet, I have never heard or experienced someone confessing their desire to protect. Perhaps, this desire or action comes with love, but to hear it teased out as a primary focus is moving beyond expectations.

Words can be extremely powerful; they can break or build. Controlling the tongue is a great and never ceasing challenge, in part because it is the outpour of our hearts. To control words, one must first take captive the thoughts, feelings, and actions that surround them. Some have separated their words from these other parts, but what they speak no longer carries any power at all. One who speaks empty words has not controlled their tongue. Rather it has gained control of them and suppressed their abilities.
I would like to hear someone verbalize their desire to protect me, but only if their “yes mean yes and their no means no.”
There is no more strength in my heart for empty or false words.

My friend is currently reading a John Eldridge book about a woman’s heart. I think the title is …. something something Captivated. ?
As she was summarizing different exerts from the book for me, I realized that it was an elaboration on many points mentioned in one of his other books, “Wild at Heart.” What she is reading sounds insightful. Still I don’t desire to further explore my vulnerabilities at this point.

How many people allow themselves to delve into the deeper longings they have for this life? I would presume that the people who do become wiser and more saddened. As I have concluded many times………Most great writers, poets, artists etc… experienced extreme sorrow, burdens, and dismay. What is our lot?

Chapter 25

The clock is ticking in my left ear while sappy music breezes by my right. My skin looks more green than usual under the light from a dusty bulb hanging above my wobbly kitchen table. This has subtly become the main setting for my life.

10/19/05 9:00 AM
Books are stridden all over the kitchen table. She sits with a book in hand and blankly stares at the empty wall. The pen in her right hand taps along with the beat of the second hand on the large clock hanging above the table. The same slow song repeats in the background.

10/19/05 1:00 PM
Books are stridden all over the kitchen table. She highlights several words and then jots down scribble onto her notebook. The light from her cell phone blinks causing a distraction. She looks at the phone and then turns it off and sighs. Again her eyes find a favorite spot on the wall.

10/19/05 4:00 PM
The clock is ticking away. She glances up and then with a look of panic jumps to her feet. She quickly scrapes all papers into a bag and runs out the door.

10/19/05 10:15 PM
Slowly she walks through the back door. Without turning, she pushed the door with just enough effort to hear it softly click into the latch. She transfers the papers from her bag back onto the table. Standing over them she lets out a dramatic sigh. For a few minutes she just stands there as if deciding what to do next. Walking into another room, she turns up the same sappy song from before and falls backward onto a neatly made bed.

Tough Crowd

My evening class just let out. It was a difficult and intense two hours that felt like four days.
The class is titled "Spirituality and Social Work", just the name makes me cringe. Ironically, this is one of my elective courses - go figure. I so often torture myself in the name of growth. Anyway, tonight we began by discussing ways to address faith in practice, moved from there to discrimination based on faith etc.., then majority U.S. culture vs. minority culture, and then lastly (and the reason I am so tense), the professor asked us to share our own personal beliefs. Now, as a Christian, something inside told me that I should be excited and thankful for the opportunity to share my faith, but then other parts of me began screaming with terror and fear. "What does that mean?" "Is there a context for understanding what I believe here?" I can tell you that it is very stressful to voice your personal beliefs when those listening may make general judgments about a whole group (protestant chrisitans) based on your comments, and when the "group" they associate you with is seen by them as judgmental, exclusive, and oppressive.

For any of you that don't know, I have had quite a few negative experiences at Wash U. related to my spiritual beliefs. Since social work is grounded in helping the oppressed or minorities- a majority, dominant, and exclusive religious belief is not welcomed with open arms. (I realize Jesus life was all about helping the oppressed, poor, & those without a voice, but sadly many people do not view Christianity in that way)
Many of my classmates have been hurt by Christians & churches in the past and they make that very clear. All this is to set the context under which I was asked to share my beliefs with several other classmates - none of which consider themselves to be Christians.

In addition, many share the mindset that Christians are out to "convert" others as their main goal in life and therefore search for ulterior motives in everything we say. While leading people to Christ is a biblical teaching, I believe the way it is applied in our lives can vary. My personal beliefs about "sharing the good news" may differ quite a bit from mainstream protestant beliefs. I lean more toward being obedient to God and knowing that He uses me in ways that may not be fully clear at the time. In other words, I don't wake up everyday and simply set out to "convert" people to Christianity. I view my duties as a Christian as something much bigger through which that goal is ultimately achieved. For me that means everyday I wake up with the goals of loving others as Christ loves me and drawing into a closer relationship with God (the Trinity).

Okay, so there I sat around a large conference table with several classmates staring at me and all their preconceived notions weighing on my shoulders. Top that with my introverted personality and the possibility of being misunderstood, offensive, or challenged in a way for which I was not prepared. Before speaking I prayed for boldness, wisdom, and God's divine intervention with my words, but still I fell short by worrying and not being confident and strong in God's plan and power. I want to speak with power, assurance, and a full trust in God.

Sharing my personal beliefs in a public arena is scary because it leaves me open for all kinds of criticism and judgment. At the same time, I am soooo thankful for these opportunities because I know God helps me grow through challenges. With every scary questions I've asked, criticism I've heard, and trial I've faced, my faith has increased despite my initial fears that the opposite would occur.